In Which The Knight And His Lady Find Peace In The Green Valley  

Posted by Heidi in

Once upon a time, a knight and his lady dwelt in a cottage-sized castle in the curve of a green valley. One day they felt they should have entertainment and TV and a DVR so that they could watch what they wanted whenever they wished. So, they ordered Dish TV and a DVR from the Big Bad Dragon DVR Co which also, conveniently, provided a dish to attract all sorts of TV shows. All was delivered and made to operate, a happy circumstance that, sadly, only lasted for a space of time, a time period which turned out to be too short since their need to record ahead of time and watch TV shows at their leisure had only grown greater as time passed.

So, they called the Big Bad Dragon DVR Co. and found that in order to get a new DVR, they must jump through numerous fiery hoops and speak to many people who had apparently been hired to feed and water the animals as they were clearly unable to comprehend human speech. However, finally, through much speaking loudly and using of hand signals and waving of arms, a new DVR arrived via the great chariot delivery system, UPS.

Only, the second DVR was almost as bad as the first and so, it too, was sent back to Big Bad Dragon DVR Co. A third DVR was delivered through the chariot system, UPS, which, though slow, was reliable and reasonable in that they hire people who speak “human”. But I get ahead of myself . . .

The valley dwellers had only been enjoying their new DVR for a matter of weeks when a bill came from the Big Bad Dragon Co. soliciting funds to pay for a DVR that had arrived at their cave in a damaged state. Forgetting that the hirelings, or serfs, did not understand human speech, the knight began asking many questions such as: Which DVR? The one that didn’t work and was already old or the one we had in our cottagey castle for only a few days? What kind of damage? Could it have happened in shipping?” But, apparently, the serf’s frustration at being unable to comprehend resulted in said serf disconnecting the line.

Another call was made whereupon the knight of said cottage-castle was told that a proclamation would be delivered, one full of words that would make this murky matter clear. But no such document arrived. Instead, another dun came informing the knight that he and his lady owed two hundred and seventy five gold coins for a “bent” DVR.

Things took a turn for the worse. No matter how many times either the knight or the lady initiated speech with the serfs at the Big Bad Dragon DVR Co., none could be made to understand that the dwellers of the green valley had not inflicted damage on their precious DVR. The knight and his lady were told they must have dropped the DVR, perhaps even thrown it in a fit of rage (clearly, this was the kind of behavior to which they were accustomed at the BBDDVRCO—a circumstance the valley dwellers could fully understand and appreciate) and that payment was due or all TV viewing would cease.

As for the knight and his lady, no more TV was a fate they could live with if it meant never having to speak to the serfs at the BBDDVRCO ever again. However, they were the keepers of a giant who had taken a fall off of a beanstalk and as a result was demented and easily angered. The only thing that calmed the savage beast was the funny and amusing TV shows on the magic TV/DVR. So, finally, the knight made it known that he must speak to somebody whose job didn’t include feeding and watering the animals and Lo and Behold, they were allowed to speak to someone “else”. This person suggested the knight put in a call to the UPS chariot company that had delivered the DVR to and fro. She also informed him that the DVR in question was one that had only resided in the cottage-castle in the green valley for a matter of days and that it wasn’t even new when it arrived. She then gave the knight a tracking number for the UPS chariot company.

The Knight was glad he was able to get someone at the BBDDVRCO to admit that perhaps he had not damaged the DVR but he still felt extremely winded and tired after his ordeal. Indeed, this knight had spent long years tilting with many dragons at once, a circumstance that nearly did him in, and ever since such dealings left him feeling a bit faint. And with a need to devoid his stomach of all contents. Especially when gold coins were involved.

So, it was his lady who contacted the people at UPS whereupon the King of UPS (surely someone as intelligent and well-versed in common sense as he had to have been King of the castle) was asked many sensible questions and asked many sensible ones in return, the combination of which led the lady to believe perhaps the seemingly well-informed “she” at the BBDDVRCO was in fact one of the animals who had escaped the barn just in time to lead the knight far astray. For, indeed, there was nothing the lady could tell the King of UPS since she did not have the DVR, did not know the damage, did not have the package it was shipped in so that she could answer questions about it’s current state, nor did she have the correct tracking number (though she did have a bogus one). In short, someone must now make the animal feeders at BBDDVRCO understand they would have to solicit UPS for their gold coins themselves. Based on past communications, the outcome was doubtful.

Since his lady’s sad tale of woe put the knight in a froth of fury, his lady had no choice but to call the BBDDVRCO once again and speak at great agonizing length and frustrated urgency and obnoxious loudness whereupon she found the word “crap”, (a heretofore unknown word in the castle nestled in the green valley), was ultimately needful in order to speak to someone who actually rode around on the horses rather than fed them. This enlightened being, once told the whole tragic story, immediately removed the charges, ensuring that the Mad Giant had his plug-in drug for as long as was needful.

And peace and quiet was once again restored to the dwellers of the cottage-castle in the curve of the green valley and the knight is once again able to keep down his food.

Update: Little more than a full moon later, the new DVR began to go the way of all the other's and the Knight and His Lady torched it and tossed it over the embankment behind the castle. They are now the proud owners of an entirely new system with a new company called "The Fairest in the Land" and are happily becoming addicted to all the new channels at their disposal; the Knight with the tilting and other knight-like sporting events and the Lady, her British TV. And all was well in the little valley for many a long moon . . ..

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 1, 2008 at Wednesday, October 01, 2008 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

19 wise, witty and wonderful comments

Oh, if only all of the fairy tales of the same plot line concluded with a positive conclusion. I have found that Dragons understand only one language and that language is usually spoken with increased volume by someone with a lower octave voice then I have. It makes me absolutely, positively insane. there, I have vented.

October 1, 2008 at 4:16 PM

great picture by the way

October 1, 2008 at 4:27 PM

Thanks Roxanne (about the pic), I tell ya, the whole thing has been SUCH an ordeal!!!

October 1, 2008 at 4:32 PM

After I read this I couldn't help but imagine cheering and applause. Tell me another story, please.

October 1, 2008 at 5:06 PM

Ah, shucks, you're only saying that because we share genes . . .so far I have two commentors, both cousins. I wonder what that means?

October 1, 2008 at 5:31 PM

Um, they are busy making dinner for their families?

October 1, 2008 at 6:07 PM

Heck if I know . . . Wednesday is just slow, I guess.

October 1, 2008 at 7:27 PM

Wow Heidi I think that's the best post I've read of yours so far. Granted...I haven't known of your blog for very long...but that was hilarious. I can sooo relate to that...I feel like I spend half of my life arguing with companies who are trying get my gold coins. I did that today in fact with my enchanted bank or america. So, thanks...I'm still laughing to myself about your post.

October 1, 2008 at 8:32 PM

This is one of my favorite posts. You should post it in the Dragon's customer forums! Ha that will teach them.

October 1, 2008 at 8:37 PM

wow, Erin and Jen agree, this is one of the best. Yikes! That must mean something. What can I say, I felt inspired. Erin, I know how you feel--there was a period of time when we had battles like that every single stinking day! It was the pits! That's why it is so hard for R to go through it again. My advice for future reference is, don't be mean or nasty but do be mad. As hecketh.

October 1, 2008 at 8:41 PM

This was very, very have a gift...have you thought about writing a book??

October 1, 2008 at 8:55 PM

Hey, Debbie, that was funny! You're so funny! Have you thought about writing a book? Hee hee!

October 1, 2008 at 9:14 PM

...and the serfs soon discovered that causing mayhem ensured their jobs, so they continued harassing the royalty that did beseech their assistance...

October 1, 2008 at 9:16 PM

Oooh, Kazzy (karen, right?) that is soooo perceptive! Really, is that why they do it? Yikes!

October 1, 2008 at 10:13 PM

That was so funny! Probably because all of us have dealt with the likes of the BBDVRC (did I get the correct number of letters in there?) at one time or another in our lives. I especially loved the usage (or is it "useage"?) of the word "crap." My husband thinks I'm swearing when I say it, but sometimes it's just really necessary. Especially when gold coins are involved.

October 2, 2008 at 11:40 AM

Hey, Melissa, thanks for stopping by and for your comment! Yes, the C-word is about as strong as it gets around here, my parents were very strict about that kind of thing but I swear (no pun intended) that it did the trick for me. I have been converted. Sad.

October 2, 2008 at 4:51 PM

i love that story! it was told in such a witty way. you should publish it for kids. haha. then again, they'd probably know what a dvr is, wouldn't they? so it's not a far fetched idea.

October 2, 2008 at 5:39 PM

What amazes me is that my kids don't now what a record is. Yikes!

October 2, 2008 at 6:10 PM

But in the end you slew the foul dragon. That's amazing!

October 6, 2008 at 10:15 PM

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