A Cautionary Tale  

Posted by Heidi in

Sorry--this is another from this summer but off to great-grandfather's house we go . . )

Start a blog. Tell yourself you’re only doing it because you enjoy expressing yourself and it is a great way to keep a journal. No one actually needs to read it!

Start looking at other people’s blogs to get an idea of what they are doing. Notice that they are acquiring what are called Comments. Wonder how you can get comments on your blog.

Remind yourself that this is just for you. And parents and grandparents. Perhaps extended family, as well. Then start a contest because that’s what the popular bloggers are doing.

Watch your contest crash and burn. Wonder why it hurts so much. Wonder why it matters so much. Wonder why it makes it hard to breathe.

Install Sitemeter into your account so you can see just how many hits a day you are getting (or not). Wonder again why it matters.

Start stalking blogs and wonder what you are doing wrong. Wonder if your contest would have done better if you were giving away something good. Like an Iphone.

Start saving for an Iphone.

Do more blog stalking (a must!). Notice that there are a lot of great blogs out there with really great writers. Feel mopey and blue without knowing why.

Start another lame contest. Watch it, too, go down in flames. Give up chocolate Lindt balls in order to save more money for Iphone.

Start signing up for every blog list available. Rejoice when your Sitemeter stats shows all the readers who are being referred to your blog from these sites. Start buying chocolate Lindt balls again.

Finally admit to yourself that you want your blog to be read by everyone. On the planet. In the universe.

Start making oh-so-witty and amusing comments on other blogs to draw attention to yourself.

Make your blog stats unavailable because that is what the popular bloggers do. Rejoice over your measly 30 hits per day. Tell yourself you are now too busy blogging to comment on the blogs of others. Watch your daily hits drop.

Observe helplessly as your few regulars drop away, one by one, like flies in a jar of camphor.

Get in the car and head for the coast.

Call your husband and ask him to get you. Wait, curled up on the floor of your seedy motel room, until he arrives.Reject all of his efforts to get you help. Say over and over again, “I’m fine, I’m okay, I just need my daily dose.”

When you get home, log onto your Sitemeter account. Note that the blissful feeling that comes over you is akin to that of euphoria when the pain meds kick in during labor.Try to ignore the fact that things aren’t any better—in fact they are worse after your time away.

Start plotting your revenge. Sneak into the Sitemeter headquarters and attach yourself to the motherboard (you’ll figure it out when you get there). Go out in a hail of fiery sparks but not before you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are taking Sitemeter down with you.

Epilogue: Sitemeter is up and running a mere 24 hours later but you are dead. People all over the world mourn your loss even though they never heard of you or read your blog before your death. Your blog now gets 50,000 hits per day even though you haven’t posted anything new since your untimely demise. Your husband saves all the money the blog has made from ads and goes to Tahiti where he runs off with a beautiful native.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 25, 2008 at Tuesday, November 25, 2008 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

22 wise, witty and wonderful comments

You're not the boss of me. Don't tell me what to do! :)

This is really funny and tragic all at once. I love me a good, modern tragedy.

November 25, 2008 at 9:45 AM

None of that is remotely familiar. None of it, I tell you!

November 25, 2008 at 9:58 AM

You are so funny, Heidi! I love it!

November 25, 2008 at 10:06 AM

I think I will need the patch when it is time to stop blogging. I will need to be weaned from it :) Fun post!

November 25, 2008 at 10:10 AM

The thing that frustrates me is when I can see on my Feedjit that family members are coming to read every day, and they NEVER comment. (Like, 10 cousins) That is pure frustration!

Loved this post.

November 25, 2008 at 10:15 AM

Hahaha!!
That is totally me! ;)
Hahaha!!

November 25, 2008 at 10:41 AM

Why do comments do that? Remember when the phrase "you've got mail" was the craze? Now its all about the comments.
Time to go stalk more blogs.

November 25, 2008 at 10:53 AM

You are so witty! I love it.

November 25, 2008 at 11:09 AM

what? People act like this about blogging? Really? NO WAY!

:D

Actually, I can't decide if comments or hits are more important. I go in waves.

November 25, 2008 at 11:12 AM

It's as if you've seen my life....

November 25, 2008 at 4:52 PM

Yeah, comments didn't really matter all that much to me until I started blog stalking which was more than a year after I started my blog, and saw that people had like 30 or 87 comments in one day, and it really got me wondering. I love that now I know who most of the people leaving comments on my favorite blogs are. I like your use of the word camphor, you should like get points for that or something. I agree with Erin that it is frustrating when family members read and don't comment, even after I tell them that blogging comments is my love language and they must not really love me if they don't leave comments. I guess they are justifiably afraid of getting sucked into the blogging world, especially if it ends in the blogger's demise as you so artfully depicted.

November 25, 2008 at 5:27 PM

Bwahahahahah!

It was even funnier the second time somehow...

Hee hee!

Got my first BlogHer cheque today. $25.70. I feel rich.

November 25, 2008 at 7:21 PM

Get up that motel room floor! I'm leaving a comment :D

Blogging = cyber crack

November 25, 2008 at 8:01 PM

Lisa, do you think it could be tomorrow's Shakespeare? What with the dramedy and all? A&A, thanks for feeling my pain, Erin and Heather-it's my darn family who won't comment or even get a gmail account (or follow my blog). It rankles. Big time. Ah, Kimberly, you have been reading me that long? yay! N--love the cyber crack! Er, I mean your calling it that, not smoking it. Not that I do. (I think it's time for beddy-bye)

November 25, 2008 at 10:06 PM

So so so so funny.

But what are you talking about? Im totally content with only one or two comments. *Snort*

November 26, 2008 at 2:33 AM

I'm so totally snorting with you!

November 26, 2008 at 10:41 AM

You put it down perfectly! each and every line :))

November 27, 2008 at 3:59 PM

The only difference between you and me is that I would never give up chocolate Lindt balls.

November 28, 2008 at 11:37 AM

You gave up Lindt Chocolate for anything? I'm glad you saw the error of your ways or we could not be friends any more!

~snicker snicker~

November 29, 2008 at 7:09 AM

Eowyn, you're a Lindt Lover too? It really is the best.

November 29, 2008 at 10:00 AM

I saw your comments over at Kim's, so I guess your plan's working a little bit. :-D Funny stuff!

November 29, 2008 at 3:21 PM

I sooo needed to read this today! I've gotten so desperate for comments I make my husband leave one...and I dictate what he should write! Thanks for putting the feelings of so many out there in the open so we can all start the "recovery process." ;)

December 2, 2008 at 9:49 PM

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