A Post Written When I Was Feeling Bloggy Paranoia  

Posted by Heidi in

(Please note, I am making fun of myself and myself only, here. I find I get less sharp sticks in the eye that way.)

1. Decide one day that you’re going to start a blog. Why not? Everyone else is doing it!
2. Set up your blog armed only with the knowledge that The Pioneer Woman is remodeling her guesthouse courtesy of proceeds from her blog and Dooce snoozes in every morning with her hubby on account of mass sales of dog calendars (I would link to her but her post today is quite foul. Who knew?)
3. Say to yourself “Holy keyboard, Batman! I can do that!”
4. In your green and giddy excitement, start writing posts about "whatev" because it’s supposed to be your “journal”.
5. Assume everyone cares.
6. Start to wonder why no one visits. Wonder why those who do, don’t comment.
7. Start visiting other blogs for clues to their success.
8. Discover there are a TON of great bloggers out there.
9. Feel blue and eat a lot of chocolate.
10. Tell yourself that you’ll be happy if you could only get *blankety-blank hits a day.
11. Keep reading blogs. Fall in love with lots of fantastic bloggers.
12. Realize you are nothing special. Eat more chocolate.
13. Tell yourself that you are going to find a way to be like the “big bloggers”!
14. While you’re waiting to get big, whine. A lot.
15. Realize that you have to read lotsa blogs and comment on them incessantly before anyone will even notice you are alive.
16. Go into a deep depression.
17. Turn discount stores upside down looking for your favorite brand of chocolate for a song b/c if you can’t make money as a blogger, you sure as shootin’ ain’t going to lose money, either.
18. Gear up (i.e. read blogs, comment til your fingers fall off, hold contests, and, in general, feel sure that the success or failure of planet earth depends on what happens each day in blogdania).
19. Realize your blog needs some focus and decide to make yours a humor blog. Realize that humor involves making fun of others. Feel bad. Do it anyway. Daily.
20. Notice something smells really bad. Wonder how long it has been since the dog was bathed. Pay daughter to bathe dog. Realize something still smells. Do all the laundry that has been piling up. Clean the fridge for the first time in half a year. Smell doesn’t go away. Realize it’s you.
21. Spend much time trying to come up with witty comments so that other bloggers hanging out in comment boxes will get a taste for you and feel hungry for more.
22. Find out that the best part of blogging is the people. Really.

23. Start reading more and more blogs because you are addicted (chocolate no longer needed).
24. Find there just isn’t time to think up witty comments anymore (only boring ones).
25. Know in your heart of hearts if you cut down on your reading and commenting, your blog will suffer. It's a dilemma.
26. Notice that your house is suffering from lack of attention. Decide you need to lower your standards.
27. Come up on nearly a year of blogging and wonder where your fame and fortune went.
28. Read emails from people who imply that you are somehow a “big” blogger.
29. Say “wha?!” in utter amazement and wonder what kind of junk they’ve been smoking.
30. Realize that you have finally reached *blankety-blank hits per day and it doesn’t even faze you.
31. Realize you are so jaded you need a bigger and bigger buzz each day to feel satisfied. Laughingly throw around the word “addicted” to describe your bloggy activities.
32. Endure a painful intervention from friends and family who convince you that you have a “problem”.
33. Start researching long-term-stay facilities for those who suffer from bloggy addictions.
34. Find a “Very Nice Resort” for people like “you”. Pack your bags.
35. After a short stay, start to feel a little better—like you could go a day or two without blogging and the world won’t come to an end.
36. Think “how nice!” and begin to wonder what it would take to start your own Blog Addiction Resort.
37. Find out all you need is a site for your facility, willing “guests” and mucho advertising.
38. Think, “I can do that!”
39. In your green and giddy excitement, you start a blog . . .

(hey, you guys, thanks for all your encouragement! Yesterday, whilst pounding out 3,020 words on Miss D Two, my St. Pat's Day post was featured on the Bloggernacle. How cool is that? Especially when you consider that I didn't even write any of that stuff. The Irish did. So, that means the Irish rate higher than my own unique writings with the people at the Bloggernacle. How ironic is that?)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 18, 2009 at Wednesday, March 18, 2009 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

43 wise, witty and wonderful comments

Where, exactly, is that Very Nice Resort? I'm asking for a friend....

March 18, 2009 at 9:45 AM

I have no idea what you are talking about! I have never done any of these things you talk about. Nope, not remotely.

March 18, 2009 at 9:50 AM

Bwwaahhhhaaa! Luisa--you crack me up! Kristina--not even one? Really? You said your blog is off for the week . .. .perhaps you are off visiting some kind of resort . ...

March 18, 2009 at 9:59 AM

Number 19 is the whole reason I blog. I so love making fun of myself and others. Daily.

March 18, 2009 at 10:04 AM

Oh yeah. I would love to go to a Very Nice Resort to hang out with other blog addicted people. Obviously you'll have wi-fi, right? Will you be serving drinks with little umbrellas in them?

Hey and sadly I was right with you, up to number 32. And my first reaction? Well that it would make a great post for you - obviously!

March 18, 2009 at 10:07 AM

What??? There was a time when you weren't a big blogger!? Who knew! I consider my day a huge success when I am in the first 10 people to post comments on your blog. Today is a very good day for me. Usually I am number 30 or higher!

March 18, 2009 at 10:16 AM

I was getting a little anxious just reading that! :)

Sorry about all the smells. That's the worst. :)

March 18, 2009 at 10:25 AM

Congrats on the word count. My birthday is June 21, so I'm kind of thinking of the completion of Miss D Two as a birthday present. *Grin* (Of course, Prince William has the same birthday, so perhaps you're writing with him in mind?)

Also, congratulations on being featured on the Bloggernacle; at least you know you're being read!

March 18, 2009 at 10:38 AM

Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about.

March 18, 2009 at 10:43 AM

Your book arrived in my mailbox today - Hurrah! Now if only my daughter would nap so I could dive in.

This was really funny - and oh so true.

March 18, 2009 at 10:55 AM

Do they have internet at this very nice resort? Do they? Do they? WELL? DO they? Not that I have a problem, because I don't. I just need a little vacation with people of similar interests.

March 18, 2009 at 11:02 AM

i love the lowering the standards part. haha. i've SO done that.

and #40. is blogturity. when you blog 'cause you love it and you stop obsessing over the number of hits everyday and the number of comments on each post....

March 18, 2009 at 11:11 AM

Sue--you and me, sister! Randi--you know I was just kidding about the resort, right? Right? B/C it could be fun to blog about but it isn't real. You get that, right? RIGHT? (just teasing you!) Joy--what I am is a blogger with really great and frequent commentors. I am sure I get less hits a day than one would imagine based on the # of comments I get. Love you guys!! Lisa, true, but it washes away! Who knew? Pam--What a great day to have a birthday--first day of summer! June 21st is my wedding anniversary. I thought it would be appropriate (but I would have picked it b/c it was your birthday if I only knew!) MomBabe, I knew you would! Christy--yay! I'm so excited to hear if you like it or not! Jami--heck no! That would be like having cocaine at wherever Lindsay Lohan dries out. No internet! But, hey, you make a good point--everyone there would totally get us, huh? It could be really fun. And who needs the internet when we have each other? (Though, I imagine the people in charge will have some kind of internet access and we can sneak down at night and try to find free wi-fi if only we could get past the guards.)

March 18, 2009 at 11:18 AM

Heather--ummm, you totally lost me on the blogturity thing but I am looking forward to getting there (maybe).

March 18, 2009 at 11:19 AM

A must read for all new bloggers. Hey - maybe you should write a book!

Seriously though - I think one of the best perspective enforcers is the statement, "Ask your Dad if he knows who Dooce is."

Personally - I think that writing a novel is far more exciting than being a famous blogger. Isn't that what bloggers think of as "the dream" - to write a book?

At the end of the day - the blogger community is like high school. And the happiest bloggers are the ones who are just happy with the friends they've made and the fun they have, regardless of how many hits they get.

It's really a very small pond.

March 18, 2009 at 11:29 AM

Oh how I love you, even if you smell. This is hilarious, of course.

I agree with Kate-you're a published author, who cares about blog fame...right? RIGHT? RIGHT? :)

March 18, 2009 at 11:36 AM

You're funny, Heids. =] You're a major big-shot in bloglandia.

March 18, 2009 at 11:52 AM

Kate--I am as baffled by this as you seem to be but blogging is as big a deal (to me) as getting a book published. It has to do with the addictive quality of having people respond to your words ASAP. It is like crack to a writer. I am sure the book will have a much longer, healthier appeal for me in the end, though. Hey, I'm taking one day a week off of blogging to write another, so I guess that means something, eh? Heather--I love you too! So much! Laura--see, I am totally puzzled by that. I so am not! Really! Truly! Like I said before, almost everyone who comes to my blog comments on a daily basis (you guys rock!) which is a very high percentage. I don't get the number of hits one would think I get. But, I'm starting to be okay with that. Except on my paranoid-obsessive days which really don't happen as often as I make it sound--(though I could be lying about that.)

March 18, 2009 at 12:03 PM

Truly hilarious. I will go in on that little resort. As long as there is a computer for everyone there. I wouldn't want to get behind on the google numbers. That would make a person relapse quickly.

Great job on the countdown to addiction. :0

March 18, 2009 at 12:17 PM

Oh I'm so there with you, I mean like to the "T"!! (If thats even how you spell that..?) Atleast you can say it in a funny way instead of pathetic like how I feel, I need that resort like last month. :)

March 18, 2009 at 12:23 PM

I was sooo LOL at number 20. I thought I was the only doing that...you know, the smell and all. Thanks for a good laugh Heidi.

Oh yeah, Yay on the number of words written for your next book and congratz on being featured on Bloggernacle.

March 18, 2009 at 12:40 PM

Hey, I am one of those that think you are a "big" blogger. I wasn't smokin' anything at the time. Should I be? You always make me giggle. Who couldn't use a good laugh everyday. It makes me happy- and I need that!

Oh, my friend and I have started BA- Bloggers Anonymous. Although, it isn't so anonymous since it is just the 2 of us and we know each other really well. Love your list!

March 18, 2009 at 1:24 PM

I think your post is very funny.

I could never be a big blogger. Too much pressure. It would make me nervous. But I have really enjoyed getting to know the few blogs who follow me and whom I follow.

What happened with your husband and his job? I've been wondering about that ever since you posted last Friday.

March 18, 2009 at 1:52 PM

Jan--I would love to see you at my hip and fun spa resort! Melinda--it is the normal way to feel sometimes. Blogging is about connecting with other people and when you don't get readers or comments, there is less connecting. I know a lot of people say it is a "high school popularity contest" and maybe it is for some people--for me it is about the consumption of art. Bloggers are writers, designers, photographers, stand up comedians, scrapbookers--these are all art forms that are used in the creation of a blog. Art is meant to be consumed. If we don't have evidence that it is consumed, it is totally natural to feel let down. Sadly, blogging is also addictive and what was once a great amount of connecting doesn't cut the mustard anymore--one wants more! If you just want to have more followers than other people and more comments than other people so that you look "good" to other people, well, that's different. Julie--YOU? Heck no! I know you don't smoke any kind of junk! Heatherlyn--he didn't get laid off. Yay! Thanks for asking (I actually updated that post with a note at the bottom).

March 18, 2009 at 2:10 PM

Why does this sound so familiar to me? Except for the whole part where more than 5 people actually read my blog. . . Maybe I'm not quite there yet. Gonna have to stop the whining. . .

March 18, 2009 at 2:54 PM

I snorted out loud at number 20! I laugh at myself when I have the laundry stack up, dinner runs late and I jump up from the computer when people come in the door. It's almost like a guilty thing. Is that part of the addiction?

March 18, 2009 at 2:56 PM

When are you going to stop stealing my thoughts? Can I be your roommate at the "resort" - we could start a chocolate contraband store in our room and make lots of money... hmmm

March 18, 2009 at 3:46 PM

Hmmmm, got me thinking ------and that's hard to do ----get me thinking that is. I agree with you and will do a little tribute to this post on my blog. And yes, you are an awesome blogger, you don't need the chocolate.(too feel better, It's not like Napoleon, who told Deb she could drink whole milk if she wanted to cause she wasnt fat-----I no nothing about your weight) are you following me here.

March 18, 2009 at 6:45 PM

What? I'm not the only one with a long to-do list that doesn't get touched because my "just 15 minutes" looking at blogs turns into hours? Good to know. Now I won't feel quite as bad while I'm doing it!

Super funny!

March 18, 2009 at 6:45 PM

Rachel--you are a true blogger! And whining is part of the instructions, remember? Kazzy--I don't know if I am the right person to ask but I suspect it might be. :) Fiona--how could we lose? A bloggy friend and chocolate is a winning combination! Wendy--I am totally following you. And I'm a size ten. But that's not what I meant about the chocolate--I can see how easily that could be miscontrued. I really need to think things through a lot better before I post them!

March 18, 2009 at 6:54 PM

Valerie--oops! How did I miss you? Thanks for visiting my blog and for the comment! Lurve that!

March 18, 2009 at 6:54 PM

Yeah, I agree with Kristina. You're crazy. I've never done OR thought any of these. I don't have a problem and I can quit any time I want to. The fact that the baby is currently eating crackers off the floor has nothing to do with this discussion.

March 18, 2009 at 7:16 PM

You are one serious blogger! And hilarious too :-)

If I didn't have a day job I probably would be an out of control blogger. Unfortunately it is not humanly possible to indulge in the blogging joys you listed and not get fired. I have to keep my day job because I don't think my blog will ever be a moneymaker. So it will just have to be my strenuous hobby.

March 19, 2009 at 12:21 AM

Melanie--I have SO been there! Marivic--love that! strenuous hobby--hee hee!

March 19, 2009 at 7:07 AM

I totally understand what you mean...it get so TIME consuming and addicting and I want to be big and cool and all that stuff, but I realize I don't have really ANYTHING to help people with

I don't cook...I do photography but wouldn't know HOW to help people understand it...to me it's a learn-by-mistake process...and WHO wants to know that?

And sorry about the bad review...that would be the HARD part of being a writer!

March 19, 2009 at 9:16 AM

Ah your lists are always my favorite posts!

March 19, 2009 at 2:07 PM

Shelle--I feel your pain. Jen--thanks! I always think of you when I write them!

March 19, 2009 at 5:42 PM

Do you mean we'd be stuck passing notes back and forth to each other as we detox?

March 19, 2009 at 6:23 PM

Seriously. What's up with big bloggers? What makes THEM so special?
I think I should make money just for showing up!
It is pretty awesome how there are so many funny people we never would meet otherwise (including present company!).

March 20, 2009 at 12:31 AM

Jamie--yes. Too bad my hand writing is so crummy! Mariko--I am totally loving "meeting" the people, yes!

March 20, 2009 at 9:18 AM

My blog wants to be just like Pioneer Woman's when it grows up!

March 21, 2009 at 8:21 PM

Oh man, Dooce is so over-rated and foul mouthed. I checked her out a while back to see what all the hype was about, only to read a bunch of TMI about her family and how she and her husband went to San Francisco and got wasted and something about their drunken cab ride home. I thought 'this is what she's retired on?' Pulease! Then I went back and checked it again because I kept seeing her name pop up here and there, and thought maybe I was just missing the point. Maybe I caught her on a bad day. Barf! I didn't. Just more of the same...

You're much better off being a wannebe big blogger (although you're big in my book) than to be the next Dooce, if you have to be like her to achieve blog financial security - imo.

Next time, I'll tell you what I really think.

P.s. and why do people care about her freakin' dog?

March 21, 2009 at 11:13 PM

Oh my goodness, Heidi! You had me laughing out loud so hard I nearly fell off the couch. #20 was my favorite.

I just love you! And I agree with nevedanista about Dooce. I saw Sue I think mention her and checked her out a couple of times. I don't get it either.

I know you weren't asking for an ego boost, but you are way funnier. Not many bloggers can actually make me laugh out loud.

March 26, 2009 at 12:05 PM

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