This morning, the much used and abused journal of a mysterious bloggist fell into my hands. I wonder if she has any enlightening thoughts? Let’s take a peek, shall we?
Sept. 14th—Problem: I am so busy reading blogs I have no time to read books. You know—books? Remember them? I don’t think I’ve read one since May, back when I was too sick to walk, crawl or slide on my backside to the computer. Solution: choose a good book from the TBR shelf and leave it in the bathroom. Read it when the opportunity arises. Replace with a new book when I’m done.
Sept 28th: Problem: I am too busy to read any of those magazines to which I subscribed b/c they were so cheap. I really like my magazines! What a waste! Solution: place them in the bathroom for those times when concentrating on that book is just too taxing.
October 9th: Problem: I don’t seem to be spending enough time in the bathroom. Things are getting a bit backed up. Solution: put a timer by the computer and set it for every five or six hours to remind me to reacquaint myself with the commode, not to mention, catch up on my reading.
October 14th: Problem: the house is always a mess! Solution: rope The Spouse and kids into doing all those annoying chores for me! Tell them it will be quality time spent together as a family! Get them busy folding towels, doing dinner dishes, cleaning the junk out of the car, then sneak off and read the most recent blog posts in my reader. Score!
October 27th: Problem: the Little Guy is a great helper but ever since it has been his job to unload the dishwasher I can’t find anything! I keep telling him where it all goes but I am usually too busy blogging to supervise him when he actually does it. I have the hardest time finding the right pots and pans! Argh!! Solution: give up cooking entirely. This is really a win-win situation. No more frustration looking for stuff AND I can blog instead of cook. Bonus feature: no more of those pesky trips to the hospital as a result of food poisoning.
November 4th: Problem: Leaving the house 40 minutes before the Little Guy gets out of school so I can get a good parking place (not too far, not too hot but not too shady) just isn’t cutting it, even if I do print up blog posts to read while I wait. Solution: tell him to walk to the corner—he’s 7, he can do it!—then time my arrival at said corner with his. Coast up to the curb just as other mommies are getting into their parked cars, roll down the window and shout “jump in” without ever coming to a complete stop. Register your total disregard for the withering looks of disgust the other moms give you by cutting off as many of them as possible as you peal down the street.
November 8th: Problem: The Big Guy is getting, well, bigger. Some of his clothes are looking a bit put out, put upon and generally stretched beyond their capacity. He hates to go clothes-shopping and I just don’t have time! Solution: Cut a hole in the middle of one or two blankets (we have plenty!) and voila! If he has to leave the house in one, no matter, it has been so long since I cut his hair he already looks like a girl. Bonus feature: no need to cut his hair. Ever. Again. Plus, if I save his double-wide sweats for the Middle Child, I save time clothes-shopping with her in the future. She’ll never be as tall or deep as BG but with skillful cutting and a seam down the middle of each leg, each pair of sweats could become two pair of rockin’ pants for her senior year (seniors don’t go to school anyway so who cares?)
November 19th: Problem: The Middle Child is almost 14. I’m thinking I should sit down and have some mother/daughter talks with her but that would cut into my blogging time. Solution: make a schedule for her featuring plenty of re-runs of shows like Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Buffy, Angel, Charmed and Smallville. She will glean all she needs to know including the fact that no matter how weird she is, she is comparatively normal. Make her watch plenty of episodes of House to provide balance, realism and plenty of hard-hitting no-holds-barred info about the Birds and the Bees.
December 12th: Problem: (illegible chicken scratches). Solution: set timer to wake me up in the middle of the night to remind The Spouse that we need to schedule some time to discuss the possibility of enjoying some marital relations this side of the current decade.
(Sorry so long but I just kept writing b/c I can't think of a good way to end this. I could say . . . well, no . . how about? Hmmmmm . . . Nope. I got nothing.)
(Oh, and hey, check back here tomorrow for my interview and photo--yellow teeth gleaming in the light. Oh joy!)
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