The Secret Strategies Of A Super Busy Bloggist  

Posted by Heidi in

This morning, the much used and abused journal of a mysterious bloggist fell into my hands. I wonder if she has any enlightening thoughts? Let’s take a peek, shall we?

Sept. 14th—Problem: I am so busy reading blogs I have no time to read books. You know—books? Remember them? I don’t think I’ve read one since May, back when I was too sick to walk, crawl or slide on my backside to the computer. Solution: choose a good book from the TBR shelf and leave it in the bathroom. Read it when the opportunity arises. Replace with a new book when I’m done.

Sept 28th: Problem: I am too busy to read any of those magazines to which I subscribed b/c they were so cheap. I really like my magazines! What a waste! Solution: place them in the bathroom for those times when concentrating on that book is just too taxing.

October 9th: Problem: I don’t seem to be spending enough time in the bathroom. Things are getting a bit backed up. Solution: put a timer by the computer and set it for every five or six hours to remind me to reacquaint myself with the commode, not to mention, catch up on my reading.

October 14th: Problem: the house is always a mess! Solution: rope The Spouse and kids into doing all those annoying chores for me! Tell them it will be quality time spent together as a family! Get them busy folding towels, doing dinner dishes, cleaning the junk out of the car, then sneak off and read the most recent blog posts in my reader. Score!

October 27th: Problem: the Little Guy is a great helper but ever since it has been his job to unload the dishwasher I can’t find anything! I keep telling him where it all goes but I am usually too busy blogging to supervise him when he actually does it. I have the hardest time finding the right pots and pans! Argh!! Solution: give up cooking entirely. This is really a win-win situation. No more frustration looking for stuff AND I can blog instead of cook. Bonus feature: no more of those pesky trips to the hospital as a result of food poisoning.

November 4th: Problem: Leaving the house 40 minutes before the Little Guy gets out of school so I can get a good parking place (not too far, not too hot but not too shady) just isn’t cutting it, even if I do print up blog posts to read while I wait. Solution: tell him to walk to the corner—he’s 7, he can do it!—then time my arrival at said corner with his. Coast up to the curb just as other mommies are getting into their parked cars, roll down the window and shout “jump in” without ever coming to a complete stop. Register your total disregard for the withering looks of disgust the other moms give you by cutting off as many of them as possible as you peal down the street.

November 8th: Problem: The Big Guy is getting, well, bigger. Some of his clothes are looking a bit put out, put upon and generally stretched beyond their capacity. He hates to go clothes-shopping and I just don’t have time! Solution: Cut a hole in the middle of one or two blankets (we have plenty!) and voila! If he has to leave the house in one, no matter, it has been so long since I cut his hair he already looks like a girl. Bonus feature: no need to cut his hair. Ever. Again. Plus, if I save his double-wide sweats for the Middle Child, I save time clothes-shopping with her in the future. She’ll never be as tall or deep as BG but with skillful cutting and a seam down the middle of each leg, each pair of sweats could become two pair of rockin’ pants for her senior year (seniors don’t go to school anyway so who cares?)

November 19th: Problem: The Middle Child is almost 14. I’m thinking I should sit down and have some mother/daughter talks with her but that would cut into my blogging time. Solution: make a schedule for her featuring plenty of re-runs of shows like Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Buffy, Angel, Charmed and Smallville. She will glean all she needs to know including the fact that no matter how weird she is, she is comparatively normal. Make her watch plenty of episodes of House to provide balance, realism and plenty of hard-hitting no-holds-barred info about the Birds and the Bees.

December 12th: Problem: (illegible chicken scratches). Solution: set timer to wake me up in the middle of the night to remind The Spouse that we need to schedule some time to discuss the possibility of enjoying some marital relations this side of the current decade.

(Sorry so long but I just kept writing b/c I can't think of a good way to end this. I could say . . . well, no . . how about? Hmmmmm . . . Nope. I got nothing.)
(Oh, and hey, check back here tomorrow for my interview and photo--yellow teeth gleaming in the light. Oh joy!)

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 5, 2009 at Thursday, March 05, 2009 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

43 wise, witty and wonderful comments

Love the bathroom one. Let us know how that works out for you.

March 5, 2009 at 10:56 AM

I'll never admit to how many books and magazines I haven't read in the bathroom. But I wouldn't do that. Of course not.

March 5, 2009 at 10:59 AM

Hilarity. Love it. I'm still picturing the Little Guy trying to jump in a moving car.

March 5, 2009 at 11:00 AM

we have stacks of magazines in the bathroom - ManOfTheHouse always laughs at me when I am caught reading them on the couch... apparently I don't spend enough time in there?

March 5, 2009 at 11:15 AM

You are such a genius, Heidi!! It's obvious that this post is meant to make up for the bloggy paranoia that you (DID NOT) spread lately. It TOTALLY does. We'll all be better bloggers because of it. I thank you dearly.

March 5, 2009 at 11:16 AM

Very funny! I need to start reading in the bathroom, it seems.

March 5, 2009 at 11:19 AM

I can't read in the bathroom. I've tried, and it just doesn't work for me. I need a better solution.

But I like the picking up the kids from school solution you have here. Excellent.

March 5, 2009 at 11:24 AM

Read? I never have time anymore...maybe I need to schedule more bathroom time.

March 5, 2009 at 11:35 AM

Read? I never have time anymore...maybe I need to schedule more bathroom time.

March 5, 2009 at 11:35 AM

I like the solutions to your, I mean a mysterious blogger's, problems.

March 5, 2009 at 11:40 AM

Congratutlations! You were my first good laugh of the day. I always take note of that--with appreciation. That was hilarioius. I particularly like your advice for parenting a 14 year old girl.

March 5, 2009 at 11:47 AM

You are such a hoot!

March 5, 2009 at 11:50 AM

Books? Oh! I remember them!

I love your problem solving creativity. A lot of it seems to center around elimination. That's mom-tastic!

March 5, 2009 at 11:53 AM

Kristina, I'll fill you in now--I have read one book since June-exactly one. sigh . . .Annette, as long as you don't eat cold cereal with milk in the bathroom, I think you are doing okay (but don't tell the MC I mentioned it) Heather, okay, I don't make him jump but I DO start moving before he gets himself buckled in. T--I can think of better places to spend one's time--the couch sounds good. Lisa--no--you're the genius! Becky--what? I don't know if I could stand the guilt. Lara--just make sure the traffic cop isn't looking. We live in a very small town in the suburbs of the SF bay area. We have a traffic cop at our school. Weird. Kelline--or more reading time. Hey, I thought you worked in a library! Erin--yes, the mysterious bloggers solutions. I wonder how she is doing with those? Joy--thanks for proving you read more than the first three entries. :) I guess you could have skipped ahead, though, huh?

March 5, 2009 at 11:55 AM

Kim--thanks,hon! I try. Jami--yes, you know what they say, trim those sails!! I got the MC to quit waking up in the middle of the night to nurse (she was two months old) by eliminating a minute each feeding until she figured it wasn't worth waking up for anymore. She was so darn biddable back then!

March 5, 2009 at 11:57 AM

Now don't go buggin' Roy in the middle of the night.

It's not cool to be cruel.

March 5, 2009 at 12:02 PM

OMG you are right I am you only blonde! I have book club Tuesday and have read 4 pages of a CHristopher Moore book. I LOVE his writing but for some reason I have been side tracked....

March 5, 2009 at 12:09 PM

That is really funny ---we need more hours in the day. I need MORE time to blog, to read, to look at the magazines, to watch my DVR'd programs. Someone help me ---having a full time job is interfering with my LIFE.

March 5, 2009 at 12:09 PM

Ah, Reed, I was wondering when you would show up. Let's just say that I SO owe him. He runs, jogs, swims and has boxing matches in his sleep. I have woken just in time to prevent a fist in my eye more than once. (I find I am remarkably agile when woken from a dead sleep.) The trouble is, I never really know if I am going to be injured during the night or not so I don't sleep well even if he isn't kicking me or socking me or making the bed shake like there's an earthquake coming. I especially hate it when he is doing something with his hands--like writing or typing. The scrith-scritch on the sheets is really annoying!

March 5, 2009 at 12:10 PM

Fiona-er, you are also younger and far more beautiful. Wendy--so sorry! Wish I could help! My job doesn't pay but I consider myself a full time writer so WHO CARES? woo hoo! (Er, again, so sorry for your plight!)

March 5, 2009 at 12:11 PM

I tried that running and jumping into the car thing. But all I got was my son's backpack that he tossed in as he ran at full speed trying to catch up with me as I drove away. I don't advise it.

Hee hee. :)

March 5, 2009 at 12:19 PM

Such amazingly creative solutions to all your problems. Maybe you should give up writing and join a think tank; imagine the solutions you could find to our global problems. Besides, it sounds like reading books is on its way out (as usual, I'm behind the times, since I still manage a couple of books a week--laundry? What's that?).

March 5, 2009 at 12:39 PM

You should probly add 'What I Like About You' to the TV list. That way she can learn about how crazy it'd be to live with her OCD older sister.

March 5, 2009 at 12:42 PM

These were AWESOME and OH SO TRUE! See, you still have it, you're hysterical! LOVED IT! :D

March 5, 2009 at 12:49 PM

I"m fond of your november 4th problem. I can't wait till my son is old enough so that I can try that too!

March 5, 2009 at 12:52 PM

Scarlet--tee hee! Pam--ah, those were the good old days! Barb--since she has to live with her crazy older OCD brother, I doubt she would find it amusing but it was a nice thought! Melinda--thanks! I needed that! Heidi--now I just have to remember the Nov. 4th one. I used the dates of family birthdays . . you would think that would clue me in but it doesn't. I am a sad sack case.

March 5, 2009 at 12:57 PM

HILARIOUS!! haha!! And I feel your pain with magazines. I subscribed to 3 that I LOVE and I haven't been able to look at one since they started coming in August. I just have a giant collection under my bed, hoping to get caught up on them sometime.

March 5, 2009 at 1:20 PM

Funny bunny..

I need to beef up the mags in our bathroom. All cabela or outdoor life. That must mean that my man owns the throne over me. I will put a pottery barn in there to spice up some quality time.

March 5, 2009 at 1:24 PM

So funny. Yes, real life and its annoyances really cut into important blogging time. Next year I am cutting my job down to part time probably, and I am already imagining the extra blog time that will provide.

March 5, 2009 at 3:42 PM

Illegible chicken scratches...BWA HA HA! I love it! And the timer to get in some sexy time. =] You're hilarious Heids.

March 5, 2009 at 4:14 PM

You have a wonderful sense of humor.

I have the dishwasher problem. I just buy a lot of paper plates and cups. It's amazing how much that helps!

March 5, 2009 at 4:17 PM

Kazzy-with all that extra time you will be a bloggy force to be reckoned with--woo hoo! Laura--yeah, well, it really isn't that bad. We manage. Somehow. ;)Heatherlyn--that is a great idea! I go through stages where I do that too. The MC is 14 now, though, so I would rather put her to work than pay for the paper products.

March 5, 2009 at 4:57 PM

Randi and Jan, sorry I missed you two--yep, mags, bathrooms, it could work!

March 5, 2009 at 7:30 PM

Nice. Very nice. and you know it's FUNNY because it's TRUE!

March 5, 2009 at 8:25 PM

If MC is still not getting the message try drastic shows like gossip girl and 90210.....Oh wait abstinence and purity are to be admired and understood (someone should let the networks know).

I often try to convince my younger onw that her older sister's clothes can be far she just wants to burn them.

March 5, 2009 at 9:20 PM

Maybe if I took my computer into the bathroom...

March 6, 2009 at 7:10 AM

Rachel, yes, most of it is, anyway. . . Christine, I WAS going to use 90210 and Dawson's Creek and those shows but we actually don't watch them--but it is so true, isn't it? Randi--now THAT is a great idea!!

March 6, 2009 at 7:20 AM

Get yourself a laptop, Heidi, and you can do your blogging in the bathroom. If you can KEEP it to the bathroom, imagine all that freed up time to experience life. (Either that or you'll get hemeroids.)

March 6, 2009 at 8:28 AM

Mina--thanks but my kids already graced me with the big H via pregnancy. Ouch!

March 6, 2009 at 11:02 AM

Breath Rachel...this one had me crying and gasping for air!!! I think this is my favorite post from you :)

Cheers! We suffer from the same disease.

March 8, 2009 at 12:25 AM

Will you make a list of solutions for my life? I like your style and perhaps I'll even pay you a problem solver fee!

March 9, 2009 at 9:36 PM

Thanks, Rachel!

March 9, 2009 at 9:40 PM

You know, I was looking for a solution to these very problems. Thank you!

March 13, 2009 at 10:20 AM

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