You are parked in the neighborhood adjacent to the elementary school waiting for the bell to ring for the privilege of claiming your kiddio, (then dragging him around the grocery store, making him a snack then spending the next hour attempting to get him to do his homework—ALL privileges) when a strange man (as in “stranger” as in, you have never seen him before) with an ingratiating smile walks up to your car and appears to want to make contact with you. Do you . .

A) Turn up the radio and press your seedy paperback to your nose to make it clear there will be no conversation betwixt yourself and the ingratiating (read: suspicious) smile.
B) Warily roll down the window, stick your chapped lips through the opening and ask what is wanted.
C) Open the car door and say Hi.


Assuming you went with either answer B or C, when he asks if you are Helen Grossly (name changed to protect, in this case, the incredibly guilty and, come to think of it, me should she ever get wind of this) do you say

A) “No!” then roll up the window so rapidly your already chapped lips are in danger of getting caught, cracking open and bleeding all over the upholstery.
B) Sense no danger, keep the car door open, chuckle to yourself because you know just exactly what “trouble” Helen Grossly is, (or was, back when she played you like a violin resulting in dollars like liquid notes of pure loveliness floating from your hand to hers), and say, “No, I’m Heidi Ashworth but I know who she is. We do resemble each other and she does have a van like mine, only bluer and newer.”
C) Shout, “Are you whacked? The girl is at least 15 years younger than me and 50 pounds lighter and even though her car is newer and bluer and has no dents or scrapes, she is not exactly what you would call upper (ish) middle class, such as moi.” You then pop the car door into his knees, hard, then close and lock it as you watch him double over in pain and limp away.

When he comes back and asks to see your I.D. “just to be sure”, do you . . .

A) Say, “La, sir! I am an innocent woman! Now get thee hence!”
B) Once again open the car door as wide as it will go, pull out your purse, pull out your wallet, hold all within proximity of his itchy hand and show him your I.D.
C) Start the car, run over him, put the car in reverse and run over him again, “just to be sure”.

(Assuming you didn't choose C on the last question) When, after he has retreated to his own vehicle for a while only to once again re-emerge, do you . . . .
A) Finally gain some common sense and drive away.
B) Give him the evil eye through your grimy window as he moves past you and stealthily on towards the school.
C) Before he gets away, once again open your car door and say “She has really super long straight dark brown hair and she always pulls into the driveway in front of the school where her kids are usually waiting right by that sign over there,” all the while thinking about those long-gone dollars that went to wipe her simulated crocodile tears and ease her phony pain.

How did you do on this test? Check back later to see how I did! Also, I might tell you about Helen Grossly, only, I really don’t like to gossip but perhaps it is wise to share my info. Just as a public service, doncha know. (Her name is changed, after all.) (Honest.)

(sorry about the weird spacing in this post--I tried four times to fix it but the *&(##^%+! (french for Dashboard Editing Tool) wouldn't save my changes--argh!)