The Do's And Don'ts Of Christmas 2008  

Posted by Heidi in


Do put the baking soda in the snicker doodles unless hard pellets with the potential of weapons is the desired intent.

Don’t keep your pencils, point up, just under the outlet you use to plug in the hand mixer.

Don’t allow your 7 year old to sharpen said pencils as a way to while away the time the day before using said outlet (ouch!)

Don’t assume that your Big Guy won't throw up on Christmas eve just because he has done it so many Christmases before and it would be too ironic.

Do be prepared with clean up supplies (because: Big Guy=ironic).

DO NOT tell your daughter, as your Big Guy is heaving, to buck up and “just fuggedaboutit!” lest more therapy bills are in your future.

Do not put a votive candle too close to a greeting card, even if it seems safe, unless it is a plastic coated one which will give you just enough time to discover the little fire before it burns the house down.

Do not laugh hysterically in the face of your Big Guy when he suggests, “when you see a fire, just blow it out.”

Do not ralph on your Little Guy when he exclaims over the santa-sized dimensions of your wheat filled stomach, punctuated with a good pummeling to said santa-sized aperture.

Do not leave the house for a marathon shopping trip without first checking to make sure there is plenty of toilet paper in the Big Guy’s bathroom lest you come home to learn that the Big Guy has been seated on the throne for nigh on two hours waiting for said toilet paper to appear.
Do give him one of his Christmas presents RIGHT AWAY in an attempt to insure he is too distracted to form some scary and unspecified revenge when you least suspect it-- but don’t count on it working (see item #4)

Hey, today is the day someone wins an Amazon gift card for the purchase of Miss Delacourt Speaks Her Mind (or whatev, b/c I’m easy that way). Go here for all of the awesome details and the chance to win more awesome prizes for the next 7 days. Once you get the info for how to win the Amazon gift card, come back here (you will know why once you go THERE). Hint: see sidebar (ooh, so mysterious . . .)

This entry was posted on Monday, December 29, 2008 at Monday, December 29, 2008 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

20 wise, witty and wonderful comments

Oh, that baking soda one sounds totally like something I would do. Sounds like a fabulous Christmas!

December 29, 2008 at 12:15 PM

Hilarious post (sorry). At least the Big Guy waited, rather than just getting up....

December 29, 2008 at 12:17 PM

Ouch about the pencils! Yikes.

And I think you must like Mickey Blue Eyes. I love Mickey Blue Eyes. We watch it at least twice a year.

December 29, 2008 at 12:59 PM

Sitting on the toilet for two hours waiting. Classic:)

And also-you just gave me a great weapons idea for the next war my brothers and I get into! I'll remember to not put in baking soda.

December 29, 2008 at 1:19 PM

I laughed and laughed at the poor guy sitting on the toilet for two hours! Has he not heard of hollering as loudly as he can for someone to bring him a napkin, a washcloth (it will suddenly become disposable), or a leaf from outside? By this time the leaves should be somewhat broken down and softer.

You poor thing. Do you have any new tattoos from the pencils jabbing your arms?

And just say the snickerdoodles are diet aids. When you need to suck on your cookies for hours, it ensures you won't eat a lot of them. Hey, you could make millions!

December 29, 2008 at 2:09 PM

Ok, I just entered. I'll bet James will too!

December 29, 2008 at 2:16 PM

Loved your dos and don'ts! Every year I do something that I think I will not do next year. And then the next year I remember, but I find something else new that I shouldn't have done. It's a process. It's a process...

December 29, 2008 at 2:19 PM

The Big Guy is so boring.

Holy cow, lady, you've been BUSY! Lots of gross stuff going on over there. Sorry about it. But it does make for some GREAT blog fodder :)

December 29, 2008 at 2:26 PM

Kristina--glad to know I'm not the only one (one of the best things about blogging, I must say) Barb--yes, one must be grateful for small miracles--I'm sure he thought about it, Lisa--honestly, I have never seen that movie. I'll have to check it out. All of what I wrote was true--except giving him his present early--I should have, it would have saved everyone a lot of stress--the throwing up was from anticipation and when the Big Guy throws up--let me just say YIKES!, Barbaloot--yes, sharp pencils are great! (until they break) Rebecca, you have not been reading my blog for long else you would know that the Big Guy is a law unto himself. Besides he was home alone. Plus, he can't start a new roll of TP by himself--he has lots of disabilities, the Big Guy does--and good for you (and possibly James) for signing up for the contest, Kazzy--I suspect you are right and that it just doesn't end until you're dead (or the list just gets longer. Or both) Heather, yes, one of my main consolations in life as life with the Big Guy has happened was the knowledge that one has more to write about when one has truly lived. (Who is this "one" person? sheez!)

December 29, 2008 at 3:51 PM

thanks for the laugh! And I know I'm laughing with you, since you wrote about it, right?

I'm a horrible cook and I wont' tell you how many times I've done things like omit very important ingredients such as baking soda.

Does your daughter have a phobia of vomit? Mine does...I don't think she could live with the Big Guy. Besides, we throw up often enough at our house...I think all my children inherited my very sensitive gag reflex.

December 29, 2008 at 5:39 PM

Dang! I guess my Christmas wish to you didn't come true :( Must be my run of luck this year.

You're still pretty funny though, so I hope you let me come around still... unless I jinxed the Big Guy somehow...

December 29, 2008 at 6:24 PM

what lovely santas you have!!! i'm super jealous. did you have a great christmas? where are pics of the kids? :)

December 29, 2008 at 6:54 PM

Lara, yes, please let's all laugh together (I don't let myself cry about these things or everything would be pretty soggy all of the time), Abra, I appreciate the Christmas wish but some things are just not meant to be. At least it was early afternoon on the 24th and he did make it as far as the bathroom this time. We won't talk about the three inch thick red sludge that he left behind. It doesn't sound as bad as parts of your Christmas was--or maybe it was a good thing? Jessica, I can't find the cable to my camera to download the pics of the kiddios! Nuts! I wonder if the dog ate it? Or Santa stole it? (bad santa!)

December 29, 2008 at 7:17 PM

Hi Miss Heidi. I'm BAAAACK! I'm so happy to be back.

What a hilarious post. hee hee Especially the toilet paper one. ha ha haha haha

December 29, 2008 at 9:45 PM

Hey Heidi, you were commenting on my blog while I was commenting on your blog. HOW COOL IS THAT?

I'm back for good. The internet is working again so I'm as happy as a clam.

But sorry to disappoint you. I probably won't come back better.

How lucky are you that Alyson is your real cousin from the Mayflower. I bet I am too then. I had relatives come over on the Mayflower.

And I hear you and Swirl are facebook friends. Hey! I'm not even your facebook friend! What's up with that?

December 29, 2008 at 9:48 PM

Sounds like you at least learned a lesson or two this year. At least that's something. Your poor big guy! 2 hours on the toilet?! He must have had some numb legs.

Your verifier says matescom, which looks like mates.com. Excuse me? I'm married, thank you very much. Your verifier is a pimp-daddy, Heidi! Thought I'd better let you know.

December 29, 2008 at 9:50 PM

So um, how was Christmas?

Oh wait.

December 29, 2008 at 9:52 PM

Crash, you are so funny! Of course we are facebook friends. You just don't remember me because I am one of about 400 of your very close and personal friends, some of whom actually came over on the Mayflower, no doubt. :) Alyson, gee, I'll have to chase out that little gremlin in my word verifier and give him 40 lashes with a wet noodle! That'll teach him! Alison, thanks for asking. :)

December 29, 2008 at 11:06 PM

Hilarious post. I can't even imagine what your life must be like. Good thing you have a sense of humor! What a gift!

December 29, 2008 at 11:11 PM

Thanks Jana! Happy New Year!

December 31, 2008 at 2:40 PM

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