A Guide To Eating Right For The Holidays (Right!)  

Posted by Heidi in


Just don’t. Eat, that is. Just eighty-six the whole idea. Yes, you heard me--fuggedaboutit! It’s the only way to avoid a tearful New Year's Resolution session on the first day of a long fattening year. If you MUST eat, just drag a bag of sugarless dry cereal around with you from party to party. Tie it, if you must, like a mealbag around your neck as you do your chores for non-stop grazing. However, if you find the idea of going without a single holiday treat for the duration of the season makes you want to pitch the Christmas tree off the side of a speeding boat whilst attached to your foot with a piece of thick rope, read on for a few helpful tips.

1. Whatever you do, do not adopt the philosophy that just “one cookie” (whether it be chocolate chip, sugar, in bar form or spitzed) “won’t hurt”. This is why: it’s a scientific fact that “one cookie” morphs into two (or four or nine or a baker’s dozen) as it slips down to your stomach. Clearly, this can be problematical, even undesirable, especially in light of the fact that your most ardent calorie counter is likely to lose track of the number of calories she is actually consuming when eating “only one” cookie.
But, wait! Before you resort to desperate measures such as dumping the cookie dough you are even now in the midst of whipping up, consider this: you can entirely avoid this major cookie pitfall by eating thirteen (but call it “only” a dozen). Why? Because it eliminates the stress of deprivation. Also, and I cannot stress enough the undeniability factor of this next point--it fills you up (especially if consumed whilst hot with a tall glass of milk). The result: you won’t be tempted to eat so much pie after dinner. It’s a good thing.
2. When it comes to any foods with sugar, oil, fat or grease, see above.

3. Ah, um, well, let’s see—yep, that’s all I’ve got.

Have a safe one, people! It's hecka dangerous out there!

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 18, 2008 at Thursday, December 18, 2008 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

32 wise, witty and wonderful comments

Should I be admitting that I had a bowl full of cookie dough in my hand and I had just scooped a finger full into my mouth when I started reading this?

I'm getting my hair cut this afternoon, so that should help me feel better about the weight gain this holiday season.

December 18, 2008 at 9:49 AM

Wow, I really wish I had seen this post before I posted my post today.

I am so ashamed.

December 18, 2008 at 10:03 AM

Did I really use post three times in one sentence? Yes, yes I did.

December 18, 2008 at 10:04 AM

Love the philosophy, accept that we will eat a dozen and who knows, if it is no longer forbidden the desire to consume everything, as quickly as we can before we come to our senses may keep us from eating 'the whole thing'. Just a thought.
Merry Christmas eating,
Roxanne

December 18, 2008 at 10:07 AM

I work at a school and food is like water. It is everywhere all the time! Talk about emotional eaters!
During the holiday season, you can beleive that a plate of cookies lands on my desk everyday! I just say, if you can't beat em, join em!

December 18, 2008 at 10:21 AM

That's hilarious!

The only thing stopping me from eating what I'm so desperately craving is the fact that since I have diabetes, it could seriously harm my unborn baby.

I've been dreaming of chocolate cake and puffy pancakes dripping with butter and pure maple syrup.

*sigh*

By the way, thank you for your comments! And your book looks EXACTLY like the kind of book I love to read!

December 18, 2008 at 10:46 AM

I can't hear you... la la la la da laddi dahdi!!!!!

DENIAL: don't even notice I am lying.....

December 18, 2008 at 10:47 AM

Sigh.

I'm on a very strict diet right now, which is even more difficult than normal at this time of year.

And I made fudge for my neighbors yesterday. I will not tell you how much I ate, but let's just say 2 neighbors will not be getting any unless I make a WalMart run soon.

December 18, 2008 at 11:09 AM

I have a King Size Reese's peanut butter cups next to me. Too bad there are only 4 in the pack instead of 13.

December 18, 2008 at 11:16 AM

problematical. I love you.

December 18, 2008 at 11:37 AM

You limit yourself to just a dozen, huh? I usually try and stop at 20.

December 18, 2008 at 11:42 AM

You guys are such a riot! I am trying to glean every speck of amusement from your fun-fun comments whilst the Big Guy fills my ears with a running monologue about the fact that he has never before seen a Christmas tree with more on it than lights, balls and streamers (except mine and every other tree he has ever seen in his 19 years) and it just isn't stopping! I'm typing and he's talking and I am trying to tune it out because I just got back from shopping (two hour trip) and when I got home he informed me (in a misleadingly conversational tone from the commode where he was seated) that he got to the bathroom right after I left and there was no toilet paper. SO, my Big Guy had been sitting there for two hours needing to wipe--I just don't want to think about it. So, I really super duper appreciate all of your darling comments and maybe I will get a chance to think enough about each one specifically in order to write snappy come backs if the Big Guy ever shuts UP about the tree . . . .

December 18, 2008 at 12:08 PM

You're supposed to wipe your butt before you leave the throne??????

Hee Hee

I'm on the same diet all year. Never leave anything on your plate or on the table!

December 18, 2008 at 12:26 PM

I believe there are people who are able to each "just one." I have seen them. But I also believe they are robots.

December 18, 2008 at 1:03 PM

I love the holiday sweets. I figure, that every evens off eventually. I just don't over do it. Afterall it's the holidays, we gotta have fun.

December 18, 2008 at 1:33 PM

For some weird reason, your post just blurs everytime I try to read it. I'm going to have to get ahold of SureWest about that. The rest of the blog seems to be coming across just fine. Weird.

December 18, 2008 at 2:46 PM

Seriously, I smile every time I read your blog! And you have such lovely decorations at your place. You are a real Becky Homecky!

December 18, 2008 at 2:48 PM

Um.. I thought it didn't count if u made it urself (all that work=calories burned=ok to eat cookies). And since food=love, you need to eat other peoples cookies so no hard feelings.

The holidays are hard work.

December 18, 2008 at 4:26 PM

Oh, man, I'm going to have to start from the top, here goes! Erin, I am so sorry! That's pretty much all I can say. Kristina- your use of the word post is now legendary, Roxanne, I agree with you 113%, Sabrina, I would too! (wait, I think I already have!)Rebecca,--thank you so much! (sorry about the dreams--I have 'em too!) Stacey--denial works! Lara--oops! Maybe I should stop talking about food so much, huh? (but what else is Christmas for? Wha? the baby? Oh, right!) Annette, the king size Christmas trees are better--there is a certain chocolate to peanut butter ratio that just doesn't exist in the regular sized trees but I threw myself on the sword (thanks, Lara, for bringing that one to mind) and bought several to test them out before santa delivers any--they passed, big time! Heather, I love you too!, Barb--it was just a suggestion--I'll let you know where I stop, um, later, much much later . ..Heidi--get the heck off my blog, woman! Arlon--I like your diet, best! Lisa--they must be,right? (um, do they have robots in Poland? B/c I've never seen any here) Kelline, again, that's what Christmas is for, right? Jami--you honestly had me going but I looked deeper b/c I know what a clever gal you are and then I got it and then I laughed and the cookie(s) in my mouth exploded forth and besmirched the screen, so now everything on my blog blurs, Kazzy--ah, that I were! I don't clean, mind you, just swag and bedeck, Smart Helm, good point! That is the philosophy I'm going with, too! Has anyone see Alyson? I hope she's okay!

December 18, 2008 at 5:02 PM

Um, yeah, I've got a whole pile of mint mnms in front of me.

Got all caught up on all your posts that I've missed. I've got my eye open for Miss D.

December 18, 2008 at 5:43 PM

I gasped when I read the boat guy comment and my daughter asked what happened. Then I laughed.

I really liked it when you talked to yourself too.

December 18, 2008 at 6:12 PM

Christine, you should come to my house--you would hear me talking to myself a lot. Yah, that old boat guy, huh? Eowyn--yes, do please keep your eye out for Miss D but only online, lady, only online (otherwise you might get dry eye).

December 18, 2008 at 7:03 PM

I took over my sweet husband's chocolate as he walked through the door. It became my chocolate! Oh yeah, you heard me! =P

December 18, 2008 at 7:21 PM

That was funny! I'm not much of a sweets person. So, this time of the year holds no fear for me. I actually can eat just one. Thank goodness this isn't the season of cheese fries. Then I'd be in trouble!

December 18, 2008 at 8:13 PM

Amand-way to go! Alyson, no wonder you are so skinny! And beautiful. And did I mention skinny?

December 18, 2008 at 8:17 PM

Ah.... a woman after my own heart... one that decorates with pink for Christmas! YAY! I know it has nothing to do with your post... I just had to say it. ;)

Cindy

December 18, 2008 at 10:54 PM

You know I've been following this advice. And more. Another idea I stumbled across--drink red wine or chew gum. But somehow I think red wine goes wonderfully with chocolate. Sigh. I might just have to throw caution to the wind and just enjoy!

December 19, 2008 at 6:57 AM

cindy, yes, a pink Christmas! Love it! Pam--I guess I will have to stick with the chocolate and the cookies--I don't drink and chewing gum gives me gas. (sorry to be so crude).

December 19, 2008 at 7:24 AM

Hahahahaha! I love this!

I have a personal addiction to cookies and cookie dough, probably strong enough to get me admitted to a 12-step program.

The baker's dozen recommendation is my kind of self-control!

December 19, 2008 at 11:55 AM

I tried the feed bag idea once. Someone tried to tie me to a light post and tried to brush me down and make me eat carrots. I think this year I will just tell people I'm doing a special fast for my sick grandmother...

December 20, 2008 at 12:24 PM

I totally agree! I totally totally agree.

And where do you get all you cool photos? Are they your decorations?

December 20, 2008 at 10:50 PM

Jana--they have a 12 step program for cookie dough?!?! Sign me up! (No, wait, don't!) James--so glad you decided to join the blogging world! You are going to be a stah!! Crash--yes, they are my photos and, coincidentally, my decorations. More convenient that way. I considered knocking on the doors of strangers and asking to take photos of their stuff or better yet, asking them to simply hand over photos they took of their own stuff--or to perhaps come over to my place with their cameras and take photos of my stuff--it mattereth not--but taking my own pics of my own stuff seemed so much easier and I'm all for easy. (does that sound too snippy? Don't mean to be snippy!)

December 21, 2008 at 7:46 AM

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