Machines have taken over my life. First there was Jeeves, the alarm clock, waking me up every morning with his admonitions and commands (Go buy shoes! Let me do your hair! Use this incredibly expensive and effective face cream! Whine whine whine . . .)
Now there is Mr. Wii Fit who is every bit as clever and “knowing” as Jeeves (though not nearly as charming since he doesn’t speak with an English accent). The very astute Mr. Wii reminded us multiple times of the Middle Child’s birthday last week, very politely asks us if we have had breakfast yet if we try to use him too early in the morning and routinely offers to give us exercise and weight loss tips. (In short, he is a bit of a nag.)
This morning when I stepped onto the fitness board (after it said, “Oh!” as if the brunt of my weight was just too much for it to bear or perhaps merely surprised that I still weigh pretty much what I did when I started this whole adventure a mere three weeks ago) Mr. Wii printed this message on the screen: “So how do you think Daddy is doing this morning?
Oh, how you make me laugh, Mr. Wii! You are such a knowing one! (It had been a couple of days since “Daddy” had availed himself of all Mr. Wii has to offer.) I thought perhaps Mr. Wii was attempting to recruit me to nag Daddy to get with the program. I chuckled about this since I had just viewed the chart that shows the weight loss/gain (there are some of us here that actually need to gain weight—they are just the biggest losers, don’t you think?) of all five of us here at Dunhaven Place and I felt pretty sure Daddy’s weight had been going in the wrong direction.
Then Mr. Wii flashed multiple answers to his question across the screen. My choices were A. doing worse B. doing better or C. the same. Whoa! Mr. Wii expected me to commit to an answer. On his screen. The one attached to some kind of memory chip. Suddenly I was no longer laughing.
I don’t know why I felt I had to lie to Mr.Wii. I think I must have had some kind of Hallish paranoia thing going on (what if I chose “doing worse” and Mr. Wii told Daddy, a circumstance that seemed imminently possible) so I chose “the same”.
That’s when Mr. Wii threw me the facer. “Oh!” he wrote, “maybe you just aren’t paying enough attention to Daddy!”
Mr. Wii knew I had lied. He knew it! Oh no! Mr. Wii was becoming sentient! Hadn’t I seen this happen over and over and over again in Star Trek, The Next Generation (and endless other TV shows as well)? It was only a matter of time before Mr. Wii snaked some kind of cable to my computer and contacted Daddy with my perfidy. I had to hurry—there was no time to lose! I sprinted to the computer to email The Spouse and confess all just as fast as my Wii Fitted legs could carry me.
57 wise, witty and wonderful comments
Whoa ...
I just noticed you're almost at #300!
It better be all about Roy.
April--I KNOW! What's up with that? It really makes me feel like I have to toe the line . . . surely not a good thing in a exercise/weight loss program!
Reed--ooh, yes, I know I only have another one to do before #300--but I hadn't been thinking about writing it about Roy. I think this post got about as close to "all about Roy" as I'm going to get. Haven't you read my post about how celebrities (of which I am not saying I am) going on and on about how great their guy is and two seconds later they are getting divorced? I'm superstitious like that.
Here I've been really wanting one of these Wii fits, but I'm starting to reconsider. Perhaps there is one of the non Nazi variety?
We got wii fit for Christmas. I have yet to use it. I don't want my weight displayed for the other members of my family! Right now I can lie--"those darn pants must have shrunk, did we change laundry detergent?" etc. But if I get on wii I have eliminated any chance at deception. And now after reading your blog I am convinced, it just ain't gonna happen.
Oh how hilariously . . . freaky.
Kinda gives me chicken skin. I'm not getting a Mr. Wii. I would hate to get caught in one of my lies.
Lara, Joy, 'fraid not.
This is why I do not have a Wii Fit. It scares me.
Crash--considering I was laughing so hard I was crying whilst writing it, I would have to say that chicken skin wasn't the reaction I was going after. I guess I'm going to have to rewrite it (at least someone thought it was funny. Too bad it was just me!) Still, hilariously freaky is better than nothing. THanks! :) (can you tell Heidi is having one of those days?)
Kristina--be afraid. Be very afraid.
Mr Wii's first name is HAL...
Funny, Mr Wii just asked me the same questions about my teenaged son... but none of the multiple choices said "He's far too cool to spend his time standing on a board that groans under his non-existent weight so he wants me to pass on his regrets that you are not nearly as fun as Guitar Hero"
I hate that little "ooh" like I'm hurting Hal?
T-you too? I once heard it say something else when my 260 pound son got on but I can't remember what it was (maybe it was a polite Hi? Clearly Mr. Wii knows what's good for him.)
THat is SO FUNNY! I have no experience with the wii in any form. But frankly, I'm not sure I want to anymore.
Sounds kind of like Hal from 2001.
This is one of my favorite posts ever. Strangely it does make me want to buy Wii Fit, even if he is a bit of a nag. I need it!
I'm not FAT. Everyone knows the camera adds at least 10 pounds.
Yikes! That sounds like a less-than-fun machine to have in your house. But I have a yucky feeling that if you tried to get rid of him he'd find his way back.... yikes!
We just saw Eagle Eye, so I KNOW that its not Mr. Wii, it's the secret government program where they have a huge computer watching all of us!!! Don't worry, it only wants whats best for us humans, even if it has to hurt us.... hmmmmmm...
word ver.: AMBASHE You better ambush that Wii before it gets to you!! :)
this would make a great sci fi movie!
Randi--thanks! It's supposed to be funny, tho every word of it is true as true can be! (except the fact that Mr. Wii is sentient. He's not. yet.) Jen--you're the best. Is "supportive" built into your DNA? Roy-boy, no one said you were fat. Except you. By implication. Barb--oh, he's lots of fun! Even my disabled 19 year old likes to see how much he weighs and how old he is on Mr. Wii. It keeps him motivated to not put so much junk in his pie-hole. So, it's all good!
Melinda--it's some kind of secret something! Hillary--how are you? Are you back to walking around on that ankle or are you down for longer? Bummer!
i definitely need a wii fit or some way to exercise. i'm not supposed to take lisie in the sun so that rules out...well, the outside. i am really discouraged about my post-baby weight. no need to say i look fine, because i know i could use some trimming up! :)
Now that is freaking me out. More than just a little!
I think I'd run away and only look back a few times to see if it was chasing me!
Hee-larious story!!! Especially the way you tell it.
How do you like the Wii Fit. I want one so badly!
I thought it was hilarious!
It says much of my familiarity with techno-gadgets these days that I'm not freaked out by your post. But sentient robotics in our household would be my husband's dream come true. (And T-- We got a big kick out of HAL! Ha ha ha!)
And I am increasingly falling for Mr. Jeeves! Shameless flattery is the perfect way to wake. *Sigh*
As for your Q about B&N, they did carry your book in their store normally but the word is out so one must be ruthless to get to the copies on the shelves. While I'm normally all for displays of human savagery, I prefer to be a spectator and not a participant. I just ordered my own copy (which I'll use to rile the crowds by flashing it as I walk unhindered from the store. Gwa ha ha!)
word verf: hotione! I guess the wii-fit is working huh? Hottie one?
Jessica, you know I think you look great as I have already said on your blog. Your baby is, what? days old? You'll bounce back just fine! Rebecca--funny funny! Randi--YES! It supposed to be funny not freaky (sorry I freaked people out--not my intention!) I really like the Wii Fit. I recommend it. Just, don't tell it lies and you'll be fine.
Lexie--REALLY? You thought it was hilarious? Yay! And REALLY? I am having a hard time picturing this crowd thing at the book store. I would so love to see my book displayed in a book store (other than my local one which carries it b/c I carried it in there--long story as to why most bookstores don't carry Avalon books . . ) Yes, Mr. Jeeves is making waking a pleasure. Now instead of groaning, I jump up, turn on the light and write down what he says. It's a perky way to start the day. And T--yes, the Hal thing was funny. Why didn't I think of that? (Actually, it was implied.)
I am so glad I now have a reason not to own a Wii Fit (other than that we're broke). Now I can tell people I'm just morally opposed to bossy machines who can discern the truth.
And you're a Trekkie!? I like you even more !
Hi, Heidi, thanks for visiting my blog. :)
Congrats on your new book! Avalon recently considered but turned down my first novel; I'm glad to see someone had success! :D Best with it.
Becky, not only am I a trekkie, but I am a snobby trekkie in that I must insist that you use our preferred sobriquet, "trekker" rather than "trekkie". Just kidding! I don't care (tho there are those that do. Apparently. I don't know them, I've just heard about it). I love fantasy/sci-fi, yes indeed. I fell in love with Cpt. Kirk on the orignial Star Trek series and I was hooked from there on out. Can you say Farscape? Oh baby! "Morally opposed to bossy machines who discern the truth" has got to be the best line I have heard today and I am a big fan of most of mine in my post, so that's saying a lot! Janna--No! Really?! They don't do inspirationals. A lot of people assume they do but they don't. Maybe that was it, huh? Because, based on the little I read, "you write good!"
Have you checked the base of your neck recently? Behind your ears? Hm...
Farscape fan? What the frell!
that settles it, I will never, ever purchase this demonic machine. As if my own guilt weren't enough.
Roxanne
The real reason I am not a huge fan on 2001 A Space Odyssey is because the computer talks to the astronauts. "I am sorry, Dave, I just can't let you do that." Cuh-reepy! The test would be if you put on a mask of your hubby and it talked back to you as if you were him.
Jami! I'm not sure what it is you're implying! (it's true, I'm really not--why don't I get it?). Reed (hey, everybody, it's Rott!)--Frell, yes!! (et tu Brutus?) (clearly) Roxanne--I wonder if Wii has competition and if they will pay me for my very thorough job of turning everyone off of the wii fit. Kazzy--I'll have to try that--heehee! I have to say, though, there are other reasons not to be a fan of 2001 A Space Odessey. Many, many others. My love of science fiction does not extend that far.
We don't have a wii and aren't in the market with one until our kids start demanding. This post makes me think that's a very good thing :)
Wow. Does it really do that?! Kind of bizarre! :)
I had no idea that the wii fit would talk to you like that. Some programmer had a sense of humor. :)
Heather, yes, there are all sorts of things you are at liberty to avoid for the moment. Hang in there b/c it will get super hard in a few years (or not---depending)
Barb-I agree! Freaked me out a little (but I guess I covered that already). Heatherlyn, no doubt--wicked!
oh my goodness, you have now convinced me not to ever buy the Wii fit. thanks for the coupons savings :)LOL
I don't have a Wii --he doesn't sound very "user friendly"
Hey, Kazzy stole my comment. But then your response to her comment was the other half of my comment! MOST BORING MOVIE EVER. And weirdest. And just eh.
Please don't let your machines take over your ship!
Stacey and Wendy--don't tell the Wii people how I affected your opinion of Mr. Wii. I am afraid. Very afraid. . .Lisa--bwaahaahaaaa! Love that--machines, ship--funny! (Actually, there is a good analogy for life in there somewhere . . .)
I'd love one of those!
Too funny!!! Do you have to really work on posts like this or does funny just happen?
Just being silly. It's a common sci-fi element--the hidden implant that has been put there by either government, aliens or computers aiming to take over the world. Then they control your thoughts.
As in this quote from a synopsis of an old B movie: "While in the sandpit area with the Army, David and Dr. Blake are abducted through the sand into the Martians lair. Dr. Blake is taken by goofy looking Mutants to a surgical table where the Martians attempt to implant a control device in her neck. The Mutants are telepathically controlled by "the Intelligence", a bulging silver painted head with tentacles inside a fishbowl that sits on a pedestal."
Heather--in spite of the whole Hal thing, I really like my wii fit. Christine, what do you mean? Of course it all just comes out in an effortless stream of words. (ha!) Jami, that's what I thought you meant. Really, I just wasn't sure. I thought maybe you were saying I should be looking for Spock ears but one wouldn't look for them behind the ears. Boy, I was being dense, huh? It happens. Love the fishbowl.
Hope you have a beautiful weekend! ♥ Hugs :)
I also wanted to get one (I'd have to get a Wii as well), but now I'm seeing that this is like that scary movie where the guy makes his house into a convenience machine with the voice of his dead wife, and eventually it TURNS ON HIM.
Totally freaky. He'll be waking you up in the middle of the night to do exercise.
Laughed out loud. Yup. I thought it was funny. I don't know what others are so scared of, but I, for one, welcome our new Wii overlords!
BTW, TNG rocks! For those of you non-geeky types, that's The Next Generation. I remember watching it as a family every Saturday night growing up. My brother, who is 4 years, 365 days younger than I am (leap year--go figure), recently acquired the DVD collection of all episodes of TNG. Lucky!
Anyway...two more things. I think Mr. Wii's first name is Hu. *DUCKS*
Second, being fairly intimately familiar with computers (no, not like that, sicko!), I can tell you with all confidence that the day of artificial intelligence a la Hal will never come. Sorry!
Shauna, thank you! You too!! Mariko-oooh, so freaky! James--Holy cow, you are a baby! (as in so young) I was watching TNG with an infant in my arms. And I'm glad to know that I don't have to be scared of Hal. Today Mr. Wii asked me if I thought the Little Guy's posture was improving. What the what?
That is so funny! I had no idea it asks you these kinds of questions. I've got a bit of an evil streak though, and would have relished saying that daddy was doing worse. hehehe
Now I really want wii fit! Do you think it's worth it?
Ah Mr. Wii Fit.
I need to go weigh in and face the music today. Argh!
Unfortunately, my other half is doing much better than I am. I wonder what he says when Mr Wii asks him about me. . .
Alyson, yes, of course--having your own personal nag is priceless! Eowyn--that's so funny! Maybe a nanny cam is in order .. .
I knew Wii was a bad thing when they came out with Wii Fit.
I'm not sure I'm cool with my gaming system working me over with a guilt trip.
And I really don't want it getting together with my smart washer and destroying my yoga pants in an effort to force me to wear real pants...
ROFLMA!
(comin' in from Sue's)
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