There's Nothing Like A Diet To Make A Girl Feel Fat  

Posted by Heidi in

I'm sick. I blame The Spouse. So, I'm going back to bed. For your reading pleasure, I have found one of my fave posts that never really got much exposure since I wrote it way back when no one read my blog. No one. At all. Whatsoever. You're a smart bunch of gals. Since you are so smart, you are going to stick with the post with the sure knowledge that it will surely get better before the sure end. Surely.

ETSTED! Backwards, it spells DETSTE! Haven’t heard of it before? That’s because it isn’t a word, it’s an acronym. Well, it could be a word in Swedish or Russian but I rather doubt it. At any rate, it stands for “eat the same thing every day”.

Here’s the rules: Plan a daily menu that suits your needs. If you want to lose weight, figure out the caloric intake and choose a plan that gives you less than 2000 calories a day (the lesser the better). If you want to maintain your weight, 2000 calories should be fine but you might have to experiment as each body is unique. Make sure that your menu is balanced between carbs and proteins and that you choose a variety of foods rich in color, taste and nutrition. Then, toss in some must-haves, as long as the total caloric intake is the level you have chosen. Then, stick to the plan! For example, every day, for breakfast I have oatmeal with milk and sugar. Every day for lunch (I need my biggest meal mid-day or I am too tired by dinnertime to make dinner—kind of a problem since people generally like to eat about then) I have chicken stir-fry with carrots, broccoli, corn, peas and potatoes.

For dinner I have a turkey lunchmeat sandwich with cheese and alfalfa sprouts.My snacks include apples, corn chips, chocolate ice cream and my favorite Lindt chocolate truffle balls. Yumm! The key is all in the amount of each thing you eat. Also, it is important that you include things like spices, garlic, herbs and other items that make your food tasty and good.

If things get a little too boring then you can do switch-outs. For example, you can eat a ton of strawberries for the same amount of calories as an apple. Or you can have watermelon or grapes instead of ice cream. Or you could have ice cream instead of fruit. Or you could have chocolate lindt balls and ice cream instead of dinner.

Or four frozen snicker bars. Or 6 frozen snicker bars instead of dinner and lunch. Or, if you are having a particularly hairy day, or it’s hot and you just don’t feel like cooking, or it’s really hot and you don’t feel like doing much of anything at all OR it’s super hot and you are too busy writing dumb stuff for your blog that no one will ever read (well, except for those with whom you share genetic material and feel obligated sometimes, at least, on occasion, okay! only when I pay them! to read it) you could substitute your entire menu for two (count ‘em, two!) boxes of frozen snickers bars. Hey! It’s one way to go.

And there you have it, my flawless plan to eating right (oops, better scratch that part), losing weight (could be iffy on the Snicker Bar Plan) and still feel like getting out of bed in the morning. Because, after all, one does have to get out of bed fairly regularly if one expects to be fit and trim. Especially on the Frozen Snicker Bar plan. (No photo of frozen Snicker bars available on account of the fact that I ate them and threw away the evidence before I thought up this post).

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 29, 2009 at Thursday, January 29, 2009 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

25 wise, witty and wonderful comments

I am glad you pulled this one out I had missed it the first time.

very funny!

January 29, 2009 at 9:57 AM

My dad went on an ice cream diet once, where that's all he ate. He did actually lose weight. I hate men.

January 29, 2009 at 9:57 AM

That was hilarious!

Mmm...Snickers bars.

January 29, 2009 at 10:03 AM

Of course this is totally true and very similar to my brownie diet! Wow! We're so much alike. I substitute breakfast, both snacks and part of lunch calories for brownies! :)

January 29, 2009 at 10:03 AM

I'm really wanting a frozen snickers bar now...

January 29, 2009 at 10:08 AM

I am one of those people that is always hungry in the morning. I have a handful of friends that skip b'fast everyday, which I know is not good. Strange, but I always have a sweet tooth after eating meat, like it needs to have a ph balance or something. Eating the same thing everyday though? Is your fam ok with the sandwiches each night? My husband loves warm food, but I could eat a sandwich daily no sweat! Cool snickers bar substitute plan too... may have to give that one a try!

January 29, 2009 at 10:12 AM

Sorry you are sick. Good to blame the hubby. Good eating plans/advice. Frozen snicker bar plan surely caught my attention. Kinda like Jarod subway guy. I can't eat the same things all the time ---gotta shake it up. Pizza one day, next fries, milkshakes next, Chuck-a-Rama. (you get the idea)

January 29, 2009 at 10:36 AM

They do say that the more limited your options are, the more weight you lose. Hmmmm....

I wouldn't do well at all on the snicker bar diet. Too bad for me.

January 29, 2009 at 10:49 AM

Sounds yummy to me! I tend to eat the same things over and over again as well. If I just look at a snickers bar, though, it sticks to my thighs.

January 29, 2009 at 11:16 AM

Nothing better than frozen snickers. Twix's are yummy though too!

January 29, 2009 at 11:21 AM

Just the title of the post is depressing! But now I want a Snickers too.

January 29, 2009 at 11:35 AM

Have you heard of the TV dinner diet? My friend swears by it, since everything is already portioned out.

I love snicker icecream bars.....

January 29, 2009 at 12:00 PM

ETSTED actually works... unfortunately it's as boring as can be...

and THEN, when I start "substituting" I also start eating about double and putting the weight right back on...

The only thing that's going to work for me is the GTTLARADSTNT... (go to the library and read all day so there's no temptation)

January 29, 2009 at 12:36 PM

I had a cookie and a half for lunch. No joke. How many calories is that?

January 29, 2009 at 12:47 PM

So sorry you're feeling ill. And after such fabulous news yesterday...I suppose there must be balance in all things.

I'm staying away from the topic of diets/food. Like your title implies, it only serves to depress me.

Feel better soon!

January 29, 2009 at 12:48 PM

So let me get this right...I can eat a frozen snickers bar for breakfast, lunch, & dinner, and still loose weight? I LOVE YOU! Bring it on!

Oh, you were just kidding? dang.

January 29, 2009 at 1:09 PM

I'm substituting snickers for Twix and then the world will be right! Hope you feel better soon!

January 29, 2009 at 1:47 PM

I love your book, Heidi, I just read page 89!!!!!

January 29, 2009 at 3:45 PM

I am sorry you are sick, but I loved this post. I am not a snickers fan, but the Lindt balls and ice cream for dinner sounds wonderful!

January 29, 2009 at 6:01 PM

~snort~ What a great diet. I'm so going on it.

January 29, 2009 at 7:48 PM

I have a computer blogging question for you Heidi?? Go to my Blog about Goals (again) April had a comment that said "wv -inching" and then Pam told me to get rid of word verification and you get more comments that way??????? I have no idea what they are talking about and you seem to know/answer all my technilogical questions that I no NOTHING about. Duh.

January 30, 2009 at 7:42 AM

Snickers have peanuts in them which are the good fat so it cancels out all the bad fat. And the more you eat, the better you'll feel. Trust me, I had a section on nutritional science sometime somewhere and I'm pretty sure that was the gist of it.

January 30, 2009 at 8:37 AM

Get better soon, Heidi! Rest up!

This was a funny one. Glad you pulled it out of cold storage, which is where I'll be pulling my snickers from!

January 30, 2009 at 10:04 AM

LOL Have you been spying on me? This seriously sounds like the conversation inside my head every day. I can rationalize anything!

And Lindt Truffle balls top the charts for me too. (I used to joke that I'd deny the church for them!)

January 31, 2009 at 3:37 PM

My husband subscibes to the Fritos and Oreos diet. I can't remember the reasoning for the Oreos, but for the Fritos, here it is: When you eat Fritos, they are salty, which makes you thirsty, so you drink water. What do they give you when you go to the hospital? Saline solutuion! Therefore, Fritos are healthy.

February 1, 2009 at 1:31 PM

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