I Really Should Have Eaten It Straight Out Of The Can  

Posted by Heidi in


It’s hard to be hot when dealing with end-of-the-school-year preparations that rival the stress of Christmas, a school teacher spouse who has report cards to get out, a dog full of those sharp, sticky weeds, a gravely depressed teenager (pun intended. Oh, what a card am I!), the Big Guy ('nuff said) a looming-ever-faster (albeit self-imposed) book deadline, a malfunctioning thyroid gland resulting in an ever-slowing metabolism and major, ever-growing financial stress. It’s enough to send me to huddle in a dark corner whilst gibbering and biting my nails ‘til they bleed beneath a sign that reads:
Will emerge for chocolate (and a really good joke).

(Do you have one? I really good joke, I mean? Email me your (clean) jokes at write2me@heidiashworth.com. I’ll post my favorite with a link to your blog on Wednesday. Meanwhile, you can send the chocolate to:

Heidi Ashworth
Dark Corner Littered With Detritus Of Nails
One Joke Shy Of Madness.

And make it Costco Chocolate Cake, ‘kay?)

This entry was posted on Monday, June 1, 2009 at Monday, June 01, 2009 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

49 wise, witty and wonderful comments

I have jokes that my 6 year-old nephew likes to tell. And Rodney Dangerfield. So, I got nothin'.

June 1, 2009 at 9:06 AM

Okay, Kristina, I get it, but you're sending cake, right? RIGHT? RIGHT!?!?!??!

June 1, 2009 at 9:08 AM

I got really distracted just staring at that picture of chocolate. You should probly put on warning on the title about that...

June 1, 2009 at 9:18 AM

I have no good jokes. Just the ironies of life.

The chocolate does work wonders. Although, it probably doesn't help the thyroid issue. But if it's dark enough it's good for cholesterol, right?

June 1, 2009 at 9:31 AM

Okay - I am the WORST with jokes. But I saw a post on prom pictures recently that I think is the funniest one I've ever read (it's got kind of a long lead in - so you can skim the first two paragraphs, and you have to click on the first picture to see it). Oh my lord - I can't get enough of this one. I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face: http://foradifferentkindofgirl.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-about-prom-blane-no-what-about.html

June 1, 2009 at 9:32 AM

Yeah, I'm really not one for the joke retention.

And we're getting into the weather danger zone (summer) as far as shipping chocolate across the country goes.

And there's no Costco near me, more's the pity.

Bummer. Virtual hug?

June 1, 2009 at 9:41 AM

Wow, I didn't realize that I'm not the only one who's so terrible about jokes.

I hope you get through all of this without too much trouble! And by the end of the week you'll be feeling relaxed and better.

June 1, 2009 at 9:45 AM

I'd totally send cake if it wouldn't be stale and/or moldy by the time it got there. Do you take checks? :)

I don't know any good jokes, but I know a lame one.

Ask me if I'm a boat. (Are you a boat?) Yes. Now ask me if I'm a train. (Are you a train?) No! I just told you I was a boat.

June 1, 2009 at 9:50 AM

You are so funny. I will have to ask my daughter when she gets home from school for some jokes. I did a posts once for them, and they were hilarious. You will love the response. Call me for some chocolate time.

June 1, 2009 at 9:53 AM

Iswear I just heard a good joke, but I can't for the life of me remeber what it is. . .Mommy brain is killing me. . .

If I remember it I'll send it to you. And if I find some good chocolate I'll send that along as well. . . if i don't eat it first!

June 1, 2009 at 10:04 AM

I find that chocolate cures just about everything! Hope you get plenty!!

June 1, 2009 at 10:34 AM

Heidi, come out...come out of the corner!!! Will a ding dong work? I have one sitting on top of my fridge (although, I don't know how old it is)...

I don't know any good jokes, but my kids keep making up ones that make no sense at all. If I hear a good one, I'll pass it along. =)

June 1, 2009 at 10:51 AM

Stop with the chocolate already! I am trying to kick one more pound off to make goal!

I will e-mail you a joke since no one else seems likely to do so (yet).

June 1, 2009 at 11:07 AM

If you also like peanut butter order yourself some peanut butter cups from The Candy Kitchen. They snap me out of any old funk I get into. Hope things improve on all fronts, in a hurry!

June 1, 2009 at 11:12 AM

Heidi, I'm sorry you're in a corner, chewing your nails. I wish you were chewing chocolate!

June 1, 2009 at 11:18 AM

Also, I think you look really beautiful in the vampire picture from your last post.

No, that wasn't a joke.

June 1, 2009 at 11:21 AM

"I was working in Seattle, where it's constantly overcast. When I looked up the five-day weather forecast on AOL, it said, "Duh." - Frances Dilorinzo

"No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store." - Jason Love

"I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart." - Steven Wright

"Kraft foods laid off six thousand workers and profits are up. Well, sure, they got six thousand more people living on macaroni and cheese." - Jay Leno

June 1, 2009 at 11:29 AM

I have a joke (although I cannot judge how funny it is, but I like it at least). But I have to wait until my husband comes home and reminds me how it goes, because I am one of those people who cannot remember jokes (or lyrics) for the life of me. I'll get halfway into a joke, and then accidentally say part of the punchline, or forget the key moment, and then I'm just stuck and looking stupid. At least I'm not like my brother, who can never tell jokes, because he gets into them, and then ALWAYS starts laughing so hard that he's falling over, and turning red, and guffawing, but no one else is laughing at all, because he has never gotten to the punchline, and he can never get there, because he's laughing so hard. We usually luagh anyway, because he looks so funny laughing so much that it's still funny.

All of this doesn't help you with chocolate, though.
(And I know it doesn't save dishes, but I really like the picture of the chocolate in a fancy setting. Why are all of the pictures you take so beautiful? Your house must be gorgeously decorated, because I love every picture I see taken in it, or in your garden, for that matter. You should do a post on your decorating style, with lots of pictures, or something.)

June 1, 2009 at 11:34 AM

This isn't a joke but hopefully it will make you laugh (or come away from that corner...). So the other day we were at the mall and my middle girl had to go to the bathroom, she didn't make it and wet her pants. She had a dress on with pants underneath so we took the pants and underwear off and had her ride home just in her dress (she was mortified because she didn't have underwear on. MORTIFIED! yeah, she's three.) So she's talking to the oldest and the oldest doesn't understand her and says "What?" and she responds with "Don't listen to me, I don't even have underwear on!"

HAAAAA! (wiping tear away) Kids say the funniest crap!

June 1, 2009 at 11:50 AM

Um...will I be a sinner or outcast if I admit I'm not much of a chocolate fan? I will say that the picture looks tasty.

I'll send ya a couple of jokes but I'm warning you---they'll probably stink. =]

June 1, 2009 at 11:50 AM

oh no, it must be bad if your asking for both chocolate and a good joke.

Trust me - you'll regret the chocolate but here's a cute little joke called Don't touch the baby by a little 5 year old named MAX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlhtsgBC9J0

June 1, 2009 at 1:13 PM

Um, I only have my favorite joke that my son tells me every day.

What goes ha, ha, ha, ha, thunk?

A man laughing his head off.

I love that joke.

June 1, 2009 at 1:27 PM

Did you hear the one about the termite who went into a bar and said, "Is the bar tender here?"

I'll e-mail a better one later.

Emergency chocolate recipe:

Place one third cup butter and two thirds cup semi-sweet chocolate chips in microwave safe bowl. Heat until melted, mixing after every minute. Stir in two cups powdered sugar and 1-3 teaspoons milk. Fold in one half to one cup chopped walnuts if desired. Spread on graham crackers, Nilla wafers, or butter cookies, or eat with a spoon.

June 1, 2009 at 2:05 PM

I'm gonna have to have Hubby send you some jokes. He is the Master. One of his many great qualities.

Feel better soon! Chocolate pretty much always does it for me. I'd send you the chocolate but I guarantee you that I'd eat it before I made it to the post office.

June 1, 2009 at 3:22 PM

thanks... now I'm WAY hungry!!! Congrats on Hottest mommy blogger!

June 1, 2009 at 3:35 PM

Barb--a warning sign for chocolate--why didn't I think of that? Heatherlyn--it works until I get on the scale. Then I'm all depressed again. Kate--all I can say is "too bad about Tommy". Luisa--I will take the virtual hug and gladly! (clearly I'm desperate) Lisa--thanks sweetie! Becky--that's a good one! (beggars can't be choosers). Jan--is she home yet? Rachel---I have mommy brain, too. Ouch! Rebecca--thanks for visiting my blog! ONe thing chocolate does not cure--death. Sad, but true. Carolyn--you have a ding dong on your fridge, age unknown? I don't think we can be friends anymore. (that's just not right!)(I have this recurring dream of ding dongs tumbling from the freezer--that's how much I love them!) Becky--thank you! I will refrain from sending you or discussing chocolate in my deep appreciation (Becky sent jokes!)Christy--did you say order? I went to the grocery store and indulged myself in some penne pasta with pesto and basil sauce instead. Oh yum! Heather--that is so totally sweet of you to say! Glad you're back (and no, that wasn't a joke) Kimb (ever though about spelling your name like that? You know limb-kimb?)--all funny but that last one's a keeper! Thora--I have faith in your husband. Can't wait until he gets home. Meanwhile, I love your thoughts on photos of my home. I have a real weakness for beauty--I have to have it all around me or I get really blue. I often reflect on how lucky my kids are that they are good looking. Melinda--that is so funny and cute! Thanks! Laura--gasp! Not a fan of chocolate? I have only met, like, two of you in my entire life! I guess the ding dong on Carolyn's fridge was supposed to be for you, huh? Jess--that WAS cute! Even my gravely depressed daughter laughed at that one! Melanie--ha! sometimes the simplest things are the most amusing, aren't they? Love it! Pam--hey, that's chocolate frosting! I would make some but I have some in a can. It WAS in the bowl, but I put it back. Julie--waiting with bated breath!

June 1, 2009 at 3:48 PM

Shelle--how did you sneak in there? Did I mention how hawt your new profile pic is?

June 1, 2009 at 3:48 PM

Yes, Heidi, but chocolate fudge frosting made with real butter and chocolate chips is infinitely superior to what comes from a can!

June 1, 2009 at 5:10 PM

Pam--this is so true! will you come to my house and make it for me?

June 1, 2009 at 5:23 PM

I am not a person who ever remembers a joke! But I can cook up some chocolate.

June 1, 2009 at 5:57 PM

YEah, that looks like ganache. I am going to pretend it is ganache. I don't know a single joke. THat I can repeat.

June 1, 2009 at 6:35 PM

I made up a really stupid joke the other night... I will email it to you. Seriously stupid.

June 1, 2009 at 7:06 PM

I knew that was chocolate frosting! I looked at that and said, "Man, that woman can make a massive blob of canned frosting look great!"

June 1, 2009 at 7:28 PM

I've been putting off commenting to try to come up with a joke for you.

I got nuthin', except to say that I'm so sorry, and I hope you really did get chocolate!

June 1, 2009 at 7:36 PM

Deb--can we be neighbors? Kelly--it COULD be ganache--but it's frosting. But not the good Pam C kind. Sabrina--it was cute--thanks! Jami--what a lovely compliment! Randi--I DID. And some awesome chicken and penne pasta in basil and pesto sauce. Hoo boy!

June 1, 2009 at 7:45 PM

Ok. Here is the joke making its way around our house. As I was writing this, it suddenly did not make sense to me...something about pea soup. My 8 year old is in bed, so I can't ask her. Sorry. I once had a friend who needed a chocolate fix so bad that she dunked a banana in some nestle quick.

June 1, 2009 at 8:04 PM

If only I were closer, I would not only bring you the Costco chocolate cake, but I would stay and eat it with you, until it was all gone no matter how long it takes - cause that's the kind of friend I am!! :)

June 1, 2009 at 9:03 PM

Heidi, hang in there. Seriously girl what are you doing to take care of you and help releive the stress besides the chocolate?

My prayers are with you.

And if you ever do break down and go to a mental institution, can we be roommates?

June 2, 2009 at 1:11 AM

chocolate ... just the word makes me smile. Ill have to think of a good joke...

June 2, 2009 at 4:44 AM

Katy--that sounds yummy! Val--you mean you won't drive it across two states? Some friend! (You're a keeper!) Pat--yes we can! You bring the chocolate and I'll bring the penne pasta with basil & pesto sauce! Fiona--yes, please do! Off to work on Miss D Two, now!

June 2, 2009 at 9:09 AM

Oh, my friend. Is that a picture of chocolate frosting from a can that I am looking at? Your condition is worse that I feared.

Next thing I know you'll be doing Hershey's chocolate syrup shots at 7:00 am on a weekday.

I'll send truffles asap.

-Francesca

June 2, 2009 at 10:47 AM

Hershey's chocolate syrup shots!?!??! Why didn't I think of that! Kudos, my friend!

June 2, 2009 at 1:02 PM

Oh my, sounds like you could use a break ---all by yourself. Some quite little place with a cuboard and fridge stocked with ALL kinds of chocolate -----and nail clippers!!!
I haven't heard a good joke in quite awhile actually

June 2, 2009 at 1:33 PM

Okay, here goes. I'm a terrible joke teller, this came from one of my brothers.

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

LOL!!

June 2, 2009 at 3:42 PM

Here's my good joke, for what it's worth:

My 5 year old son told me last week in Sacrament Meeting:
"Mom, I think I have the slime flu."

I thought it was pretty funny stuff. ;)

Good luck. I'm with you on the chocolate thing and have stashes all over my house for my stress relief. ((((hugs)))

June 2, 2009 at 8:35 PM

I personally prefer eating nutella than frosting. I found you through Suzy and Quackshack, and will read your book soon!

June 4, 2009 at 1:02 PM

OMGOSH! You are so right. May is way worse than Christmas in my opinion. But I have to admit, it's easy to be HOT in Hawaii. It's stinkin' 150 degrees with 90 percent humidity.

June 5, 2009 at 9:52 AM

Hahaha! Will emerge for chocolate (and a really good joke).

Heidi, honestly, why do you need jokes from us when you are downright hilarious. Don't you just crack yourself up?

Okay, I understand.
Wish I had some chocolate to send you. There are days when I'd take it intravenously if I could! :)

xo

June 5, 2009 at 4:28 PM

I have some to send you. Uh...I *think* they're all clean. Hmm.

Gravely depressed sounds yucky. ((hugs))

June 7, 2009 at 8:49 AM

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