There once was a preacher who realized he was boring his congregation. One day he saw a sign advertising a seminar for preachers who had lost their sparkle and decided that he would give it a try. The teacher of the class, also a preacher, suggested a great joke for faithful men everywhere and it went like this. “All of my life I have lain in the arms of only two women.” Well, this certainly got the preacher’s attention. The punch line went: “My wife and my mother!” The preacher thought this was hilarious and decided it would be a great joke for him to use in his next sermon.
The happy day arrived and the preacher stood at the pulpit and faced his audience. He felt a little nervous about telling the joke but decided to forge ahead. “All of my life, I have lain in the arms of only two women!” This certainly got the attention the preacher had hoped for. In fact, people seemed rather startled and it made him so nervous that he became a bit discombobulated. As he looked around the room noting the looks of anticipation on the faces of the congregation, he said, “One of them was my wife, and . . . darn it! I can’t remember who the other one was!”
(The above is my favorite joke, probably because it was told to me by my 82 year old father who has heard every joke ever written (about 81 times). It isn’t often that a joke impresses him but he laughed so hard telling this one, we were both in tears before he even got to the punch line. For months afterwards, all I had to do was think of that last line and I laughed until I cried. In other words, if you didn’t find it terribly funny, I don’t care. He’s my father, dang it, and he’s 82 years old!)
Here are the best jokes sent by my faithful readers. You know—the ones who really care. (JK. Actually, they don’t really care, either.) (JK) (For reals this time) (And thanks so much for the loving emails and virtual hugs and the insistence that you would bring/send chocolate cake if only you lived closer/had any kind of will-power at all whatsoever.)
P.S. No, we did not dress up like vampires for our engagement picture or for any other occasion except for Halloween of 1982. (In point of fact, I lied.) (gasp!) The next year we went as Pinkie and Blue Boy.
From Becky at Scripture Mom: A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Wow! Where did you get him?" The parrot says, "Well, there's millions of them in Paris."
From Wendy Kae at Baxter and the Bonz': California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as "Pino More". (I heard it through the grapevine!)
From Sabrina at Superfluous: A Dolphin goes to visit a fortune teller and asks: Can you please tell me my Porpoise in life?
From Melanie J. at Write Stuff: What goes “ha, ha, ha, ha, thunk!”? A man laughing laughing his head off.
From Kim of Temporary?Insanity: "I was working in Seattle, where it's constantly overcast. When I looked up the five-day weather forecast on AOL, it said, "Duh." - Frances Dilorinzo
And the winner is . . .from Heather of The Extraordinary Ordinary: “I think you look really beautiful in the vampire picture in your last post.” (Give her a virtual round of applause people b/c, clearly, she’s hysterical!)(Both my daughter and I are feeling much better and I am pretty sure it has to be the prayers, because, let's face it, the jokes just aren’t that great.) (In other words, an extra big thank you for the prayers!)