No Longer Resisting  

Posted by Heidi in

Pain—it curls,
hidden away like a spider in my mind, my heart, my muscles,
and unfurls
its legs like tentacles the moment I stop looking for it.
Like the other shoe
it drops, landing me a glancing blow and I, having had
no clue
it was so near, lay devastated by the sting of its heel to my forehead.
I try to prevent
the pain as much as possible; am most often a bystander in life so as
to circumvent
the burning that always finds me/flays me in the end.
Often I tire
even of the standing and run like mad through
hoops on fire
if only to feel a different kind of pain.
In time
I can’t outrun it and the shoes chase after me
to remind
that pain is my lot in life and will follow me wherever I go.
On the side of the road, I watch as the cars drive by ever so slowly,
not speeding
but not stopping long enough to be of service.
The shoes
can’t be bothered. They have important unfettered things
to do
and drive on, sure I have done something to deserve it.
My sin:
a longing to be included, to participate
fully in
life but the shoes are too busy clobbering me to listen.

They like me best, beaten and unresisting, in the box.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at Wednesday, August 19, 2009 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

20 wise, witty and wonderful comments

Wow, that really hit a chord with me. For the past few weeks I have been daily dealing with terrible headaches that I have never had before, and yesterday I had this internal struggle as to whether I should just give in to the pain, like try to sleep it off and not get anything else done, or just try to ignore it and go on with my life.
At another level it reminds me of negative feelings that I get towards people that encourage me to instead of building bridges and forgiving, to hold grudges and recoil within myself.

August 19, 2009 at 4:10 AM

WOW!!! That is amazing. You have summed up so perfectly my fibro pain - the part about longing to be included and participate fully in life - definitely brought tears to my eyes this morning. (it's been a bad week)

And pain is so universal isn't it - whether from fibro, or headaches or depression or whatever sidelines us.

Well said Miss Heidi - and thanks so much for sharing it.

August 19, 2009 at 6:27 AM

Oh I understand. Thinking about you...

August 19, 2009 at 6:36 AM



August 19, 2009 at 7:26 AM

Wow Heidi. That was powerful. Thanks for sharing.

August 19, 2009 at 8:34 AM

I hope that you feel better soon!

August 19, 2009 at 9:14 AM

This really resonated with me. I've been having stomach problems for 3 weeks now, and while it's not the worst pain ever, it's uncomfortable and miserable.

And then I read Nienie's blog, or other people's blogs who are stuggling with far greater things, and it helps me to look for the gratitude in my life.

August 19, 2009 at 9:29 AM

This was amazing! I have often felt this way and feel this way now. Pain often does feel like a way of life, like it will never leave us alone. I hope you feel a reprieve for yours soon.

August 19, 2009 at 10:31 AM

I don't know how you managed to nail so many other's feelings with this poem! It also speaks for me this last couple of weeks. Things are bad........

August 19, 2009 at 12:20 PM

This was beautifully written. Heidi, you'll be in my thoughts.

August 19, 2009 at 2:34 PM

Wow, Heidi. That is really applicable on so many levels.


I'm so sorry.

August 19, 2009 at 3:32 PM

I am so sorry for your pain, Heidi. I suffered from a chronic issue for 5 years and nobody really ever gets it unless they have had the same problem.

Best, warm wishes.

August 19, 2009 at 7:16 PM

I am so sorry Heidi. I have missed you, but I get it. Someone said to me the other day, "you are always sick". And they are right. I have headaches daily and migraines weekly. I also have other health issues. So my response was, "Welcome to my life." It can be overwhelming and some days down right suffocating. I am sorry you suffer. Thank you for putting it in words.

August 19, 2009 at 10:24 PM

WOW!... Its really awesome,You have summed up so perfectly my fibro pain - the part about longing to be included and participate fully in life

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August 19, 2009 at 11:15 PM
Scott Garner  

Wow - wonderful imagery and powerful message

August 20, 2009 at 4:57 AM

Hoping you're well, Heids. Beautifully written--beautifully said. I love ya Heids.

August 20, 2009 at 6:35 PM

Oh honey. I don't know how, but you crafted something beautiful and expressive out of that pain. I'm so sorry you have this burden to bear, and simultaneously amazed, and heart touched by your eloquence.

August 21, 2009 at 3:12 PM

The last line is my favorite.

August 22, 2009 at 11:14 PM

The greatest thing about life is that there is always another day to beat the odds. Always remember my dear cuz that shoes wear out in the end and we are given the glass slippers we deserve. Keep up the good fight and remember nothing physical lasts forever and we can conquer in the end.

August 23, 2009 at 9:01 AM

My goodness, that really hits the nail on the Fibro head. I completely relate to the part of longing to be part of things, but unable to do so. It can be depressing to realize this is our lot in life.

I'm glad my friend "Spasm" who also commented, gave me a link to read this.

August 27, 2009 at 1:55 AM

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