Searching For The Light In The Darkness  

Posted by Heidi

There is much in my life that needs fixing.

I have spent a lot of time pondering which parts are 1) within my power to change 2)which are fixable without making other things more broken (ack!—the story of my life) and 3) which are totally beyond my control. (I have spent a lot of time watching brainless TV and consuming chocolate in all its fabulous forms, as well, but I digress.) I have a ways to go before everything is sorted out. In the meantime, here are some random thoughts.

As someone who often feels isolated by my circumstances, differences and special needs, I have benefited immeasurably from casting my net wide via blogging and pulling in so many truly wonderful people who are able and willing to take me just the way I am. That’s the true miracle and blessing of blogging.

Apparently, life demands that you must pay for one spectacular year with a truly rotten one. I have four more months before I’m all paid up.

Meanwhile, I’m bumbling around in the dark the best that I can. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t see it just yet but I know it’s there. It always is.

(if you are so inclined, please vote in the poll in my sidebar--thanks!)

This entry was posted on Friday, January 22, 2010 at Friday, January 22, 2010 . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

31 wise, witty and wonderful comments

I think it takes a lot of self reflection to figure out what we have control over and don't. I think that for the most part, we definitely have control over ourselves and how we feel.

January 22, 2010 at 1:23 PM

Heidi, I'm sorry about the bad year (mine was last year, I'm expecting more out of this one). But you are a wonderful person. You can make it through. I know you can.

January 22, 2010 at 1:57 PM

Thanks for continuing to let us be part of your life even when it isn't fun or easy. This too shall pass.

January 22, 2010 at 2:11 PM

And it is liberating to make friends via blogging that don't make any demands on us in real time. I mean, when we get to writing there is someone there to welcome us, but if/when we don't, no worries.

Letting go of stuff we can't control anyway is a real skill that I am far from mastering. But I hope you don't keep score too tightly on your weeks and months. Nobody said it all has to be equal. Count on more of the good than the ugly. :) Love ya a bunch.

January 22, 2010 at 2:26 PM

Heidi, I enjoy your blog, insights and LOVE the photos! Thanks for your time you put into your blog, it never fails to leave me thinking in a better direction.

January 22, 2010 at 3:13 PM

I hate that someone I truly love is hurting and struggling. I just hope you know that I love you and I'm here. In the dark or in the light, I'm here.

January 22, 2010 at 4:04 PM

It's there... Love ya girl.

And I'm going to go find some chocolate.

January 22, 2010 at 4:32 PM

So admirable to figure out what you can't do anything about and let go of it. I'm still working on that. I demand all control and it isn't really working for me. :)

I'm sending you hugs and thoughts and prayers that the light at the end will show up very soon. Hang in there.

January 22, 2010 at 5:31 PM

The first 25 years since we were married were wonderful - does that mean that the next 25 years will stick like they have the past two. Oh dea...

January 22, 2010 at 5:41 PM

Thinking of you Heidi... Hugs to you!

January 22, 2010 at 6:38 PM

I know that your year has been rough. I sincerely hope it gets better. If there is anything that you have to look forward to, cling to that!

January 22, 2010 at 8:31 PM

The light is there, it may seem far away but it is there!

You've dealt with a heck of a lot lately. It's normal to escape it all via tv and chocolate for a while.

January 22, 2010 at 8:47 PM

Chocolate is such a lovely drug of choice.

I hope things get better soon for you Heidi. I really do.

January 22, 2010 at 8:55 PM

I'm with you on the blogging community. I've been so blessed by the friendships of these wonderful women.

I sincerely hope you can get a handle on your things & find that light. It's in you. It is.

OH!! I just saw on your sidebar that Miss D two will be out (hopefully) for CHristmas. YAY!!!

January 23, 2010 at 7:36 AM

Ah beautiful friend, I love you. It's a hard boat you have to row. I love you. (Can never say that too often.)

January 23, 2010 at 8:19 AM

i have decided blogging is just like real life, you know your true friends by those who stick around during tough times.. the sunny weather friends just disappear.. its sad. but it happens.

January 23, 2010 at 10:38 AM

Chocolate can get you through almost anything. It's true...I've tried it.

January 23, 2010 at 11:39 AM

I hope you get time off for good behavior and don't have to go through four more months!

January 23, 2010 at 1:05 PM

I'm so there with you Heidi, can't tell you how much chocolate I've eaten lately, and how big a zombie mode I'm in just to cope. It will get better, I know it, its just hard while you're in it! Love you! You truly are inspiring!

January 23, 2010 at 1:47 PM

Mmmmmm chocolate. Nothing like introspect to crave chocolate. I'm hoping that light shows up for you soon. I hate tunnels!

January 23, 2010 at 2:42 PM

You are so loved. I love this bloggy thing for the same reason.

I'm here if you need me.

January 23, 2010 at 4:13 PM

This post speaks to me on so many levels.

The last few weeks have brought me to my knees. I feel punched in the gut, literally, by my shortcomings and also by life's crazy twists and turns.

The light is there. I know it is. And I hope to find it again, too.

Carry on, the best you can. We are here with you, holding your hand.

January 23, 2010 at 5:46 PM

I know; you're accepted for whatever you have to offer in blogland, thank Heaven. Sorry you've had such a rough year. Here's to a better 2010.

January 23, 2010 at 8:47 PM

I will hold onto that knowledge that "there IS light at the end of the tunnel"
sometimes we have to hang onto the knowledge of others, at times we don't see it for ourselves.
I remember a general authority saying once "until you gain a testimony, borrow mine" (or something like that)

it is hard to KNOW and let go of those things we know we can't control, so why do we keep trying

good post Heidi

January 24, 2010 at 5:53 PM

It is really amazing how blogging can help us through tough times. I would not have survived last year with out all my blog friends. there is something so much easier about writing about the pain, rather than discussing with people face to face. Why is that so? I made it through my year to hell and now I am mostly back. Best of wishes and chocolate always makes everything better.

January 24, 2010 at 9:57 PM

Thank you for your message, I think of all days (Monday) I needed that message.

Wishing you the best in 2010,

January 25, 2010 at 7:48 AM

Me again,
I visited your e-bay site and just had to place a bid on the Lenox saucer with the D in the middle....with a name like Donna, how could I pass this one up.

Wishing me luck,

January 25, 2010 at 7:56 AM

Sorry that you are having a difficult year.

My pessimistic comment (I'm wondering if I should even share it) is that things don't really get better overnight, but we accumulate the tools to deal with it. (I'm not really a huge pessimist.) Life is about learning, which happens during unpleasant things. There aren't many rest stops on this journey.

January 27, 2010 at 10:27 AM

I'm so sorry it's been such a rough several months. Chocolate and TV always make me feel better for a short time (or sleep!). Maybe you should treat yourself to something special when the year is officially up to make a physical stand that the bad times are over! Kind of like those affirmations from SNL that Stuart Smally character used to say (or whatever his name was)..."You're good enough, you're smart enough and gosh darn it people like you!"

January 27, 2010 at 4:59 PM

my dear cousin,

What a very insightful post. It made me think about my own dark times when I have felt like I was wandering without purpose, and gratefully it ends, it always ends, eventually.

You have been so blessed with a sharp mind, an awesome sense of humor and the ability to make the written word take shape and fly. Whatever darkness you have been feeling has helped you become so relatable to us, the masses. We know we have found someone who understands and can empathize with us and who can express so beautifully what we are indeed feeling ourselves. What an amazing gift your life has been to us, to me! I will be forever grateful that your life in all it's color and splendor was opened up to me through this blog.
love ya cuz

February 3, 2010 at 3:17 AM

As Pollyanna said: "Let's play the 'Glad Game'.".

February 4, 2010 at 1:32 PM

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