How To Blog Yourself Into The Looney Bin  

Posted by Heidi in

Start a blog. Tell yourself you’re only doing it because you enjoy expressing yourself and it is a great way to keep a journal. No one actually needs to read it!

Start looking at other people’s blogs to get an idea of what they are doing. Notice that they are acquiring what are called Comments. Wonder how you can get comments on your blog.

Remind yourself that this is just for you. And parents and grandparents. Perhaps extended family, as well. Then start a contest because that’s what the popular bloggers are doing.

Watch your contest crash and burn. Wonder why it hurts so much. Wonder why it matters so much. Wonder why it makes it hard to breathe. Install Sitemeter into your account so you can see just how many hits a day you are getting (or not). Wonder again why it matters.

Start stalking blogs and wonder what you are doing wrong. Wonder if your contest would have done better if you were giving away something good. Like an Iphone.

Start saving for an Iphone.

Do more blog stalking (a must!). Notice that there are a lot of great blogs out there with really great writers. Feel mopey and blue without knowing why.

Start another lame contest. Watch it, too, go down in flames. Give up chocolate Lindt balls in order to save more money for Iphone.

Start signing up for every blog list available. Rejoice when your Sitemeter stats shows all the readers who are being referred to your blog from these sites. Start buying chocolate Lindt balls again.

Finally admit to yourself that you want your blog to be read by everyone. On the planet. In the universe. Start making oh-so-witty and amusing comments on other blogs to draw attention to yourself.

Make your blog stats unavailable because that is what the popular bloggers do.

Rejoice over your measly 30 hits per day. Tell yourself you are now too busy blogging to comment on the blogs of others. Watch your daily hits drop.

Observe helplessly as your few regulars drop away, one by one, like flies in a jar of camphor. Get in the car and head for the coast.

Call your husband and ask him to get you. Wait, curled up on the floor of your seedy motel room, until he arrives.

Reject all of his efforts to get you help. Say over and over again, “I’m fine, I’m okay, I just need my daily dose.”

When you get home, log onto your Sitemeter account. Note that the blissful feeling that comes over you is akin to that of euphoria when the pain meds kick in during labor.

Try to ignore the fact that things aren’t any better—in fact they are worse after your time away.

Start plotting your revenge.

Sneak into the Sitemeter headquarters and attach yourself to the motherboard (you’ll figure it out when you get there).

Go out in a hail of fiery sparks but not before you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are taking Sitemeter down with you.

Epilogue: Sitemeter is up and running a mere 24 hours later but you are dead. People all over the world mourn your loss even though they never heard of you or read your blog before your death. Your blog now gets 50,000 hits per day even though you haven’t posted anything new since your untimely demise. Your husband saves all the money the blog has made from ads and goes to Tahiti where he runs off with a beautiful native.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 19, 2008 at Friday, September 19, 2008 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

23 wise, witty and wonderful comments

What is it with bloggy addiction? It's like being drawn back to a drug, "I just have to know..." even if you don't care that day. Much.

September 19, 2008 at 5:38 PM

This is so true and I just started blogging (for "journaling") a few weeks ago. I feel like I need to take my camera everywhere with me now. Should I seek therapy already?

I have managed (so far) to stay away sitemeters and giveaways.

September 19, 2008 at 5:50 PM

Anna, looks like you are heading for trouble--as long as you manage to stay away sitemeters, you might be okay. Heather, all I can say is, at least it's an addiction that won't make a girl gain weight. There's always that.

September 19, 2008 at 6:01 PM

Just for what it's worth --
the Iphone idea is extremely boffo.

September 19, 2008 at 6:02 PM

Amen. I have felt the same way. I was totally depressed a few weeks ago and I can root the cause directly to blogs that make me feel like a loser in my own life. Blast those blogs! But, I can't stay away....I tried a give away too. The first one was a hit, but based off of my personal pain over the prom. I gave away a $15 Itunes card. The second one was to get people to be more "green" in their life. I had a basket of green products to pass on. Crickets. No Response. Go figure.

Anyway, today I actually put your blog up on another site. They were looking for new books to read and I mentioned your up and coming one, because I think it looks fun and we sisters need to support each other. Just so you know, it was this site She is a fellow LDS woman blogger. It wasn't some weird, nasty blog.

September 19, 2008 at 6:11 PM

Aggie--should I use your real name? Do I know your real name? I too become miserable or ecstatic over something as, well anything simple having to do with my blog. I know it's not right but I can't help it! And Russell Clan--I like your new ID. Barb did you learn how to use the comment function? Because, if you did, you are the only one of your sisters who have (except for me--obsessive commentor that I am). I am glad you like the IPhone idea. I wonder how much they cost?

September 19, 2008 at 6:22 PM

Oh, and Aggie, how could I forget? Thank you SO much for referring me to that site. I really do appreciate it so much! It saves me time from referring myself everywhere and I look less like a loser that way. That's a always a good thing. :)

September 19, 2008 at 6:24 PM

This post is so funny because it is absolutely true. Blogs can be wonderful and awful at the same time. I love that I get 75 to 80 hits a day until I realize they are people googling "scriptures for funerals" and really have no desire to read my blog.

September 19, 2008 at 7:06 PM

Very very funny. I almost woke my sleeping spouse laughing as I read! It is so true. With the internet we now have a chance for immediate validation, and we want it now, NOW I SAY!

September 19, 2008 at 8:51 PM

Kazzy, love it! It's so me . ..

September 19, 2008 at 9:23 PM

Heidi, I will have you know that late last night I installed sitemeter onto my blog. Should I reserve my room at the asylum now or wait a couple of weeks???

September 20, 2008 at 6:51 AM

You are so funny! I do like to read anything and everything that you write. I only wish that the talent was in the genes and there was even a remote possibility that I might have the recessive gene somewhere. (sigh! I also wish I were thin and that aint gonna happen in this lie either)

September 20, 2008 at 7:28 AM

Kazzy, oh yes, it will take a couple of weeks. The disease will have to stew and bubble for a while . . .but since you have chosen to be one of my followers, I would have to say that some kid of insanity has already taken place. Roxanne! You are a good writer! Debbie says so . . .and I think it is interesting that you used the word "lie" instead of "life" when talking about being thing--this is some kind of Fruedian slip which means something, don't you think?

September 20, 2008 at 9:32 AM

And look! I used the word "thing" instead of "thing"--what the heck does that mean?

September 20, 2008 at 9:33 AM

Should I feel guilty that I introduced you to blogging? I should start paying for therapy. We all have our ups and downs. I haven't put a sitemeter on mine yet. I think maybe I won't. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by blogging. Like I owe it to everyone else, even though I don't comment all the time, but soak up everyone's world. I'm thinking of giving myself a limited amount of time each day do blog/read blogs. I might feel more in control! Only time will tell.

September 20, 2008 at 1:53 PM

I don't think I am the right one to ask about Sitemeter. I mean, when someone is addicted, they aren't exactly objective, ya know? I think limiting yourself to a certain amount of time a day is good. As long as my blog gets in there. Ha ha! P.s. Don't feel guilty, I'm having a ball and that's what counts, right? No? Yes? Maybe?

September 20, 2008 at 2:02 PM

Heidi - First off, what a funny, and unfortunately accurate satire post on blogging! Secondly, congrats on the book.

That's all. I just stumbled onto your blog and though I'd say hello.

Aww who am I kidding. I was Googling hand made sachets made of French lavender encased in fabric from antique Victorian baby dresses complete with antique scorch marks, and somehow your site came up first on the list.

So sue me.


Take care, and best of luck with your writing career.

September 20, 2008 at 5:52 PM

AJ--thank you! All I can say, it takes an obsessed blogger to know one. Mostly, you made me laugh so hard milk would have been coming out of my nose (had I been drinking any--but you got that, didn't you?)

September 20, 2008 at 6:23 PM

There's a post just like this at Navel Gazing at Its Finest. You should check it out. (Although it lacks the clever bit about the seedy motel, and seeking revenge on Sitemeter!) :)

Scary, but true...

September 21, 2008 at 1:04 AM

Oh dear! I hope I didn't unintentionally rip her off. This is so autobiographical, you have no idea!

September 21, 2008 at 7:20 AM

Well, except for the drive to the coast, the seedy motel, taking down sitemeter, etc. etc. That part wasn't autobiographical. :)

September 21, 2008 at 7:21 AM

Brilliant and very realistic post! :) Too funny.

September 22, 2008 at 6:45 PM

Thank you so much! A little too realistic but Sitemeter and I have put it all behind us now . . .

September 22, 2008 at 7:18 PM

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